History for Big Pete 65

Apart from the "Sitter" NZ football fanzine archive, this is the only website I know of dedicated to NZ sports humour/ spoof news reports/ satire - including football - "Sports Box"  -similar to British spoof news site www.thedailymash.co.uk

http://sportbox.co.nz/?p=321

LOSING TEAM TO BE BLOOD SACRIFICE IN MEXICO CITY

POSTED BY EDITOR ON NOV 11, 2013 IN FOOTBALL | 0 COMMENTS

The stakes have been raised in the All Whites Football World Cup qualifying game at Estadio Azteca against Mexico, with the host team today declaring that the losing side would become a human sacrifice to Xipe Totec, the Aztec god of life, death and rebirth, in an attempt to improve the fortune’s of their country’s national side.

Miguel Herrera, the Mexican national coach, made the announcement of the human sacrifice as a statement of how confident he was that Mexico would annihilate New Zealand in their Wednesday evening (local time) match in Mexico City.

“Our side has nothing to fear from being sacrificed to Xipe Totec,” Herrera said this morning, “as clearly we’re not going to lose to a side as lowly ranked as New Zealand. I fully intend for us to first smash New Zealand in front of our fans at Estadio Azteca, then to smash their skulls at altars to the old Aztec gods.” Herrera then demonstrated his smashing technique by shattering a watermelon on the desk in front of him, “See, that’s how easy this is going to be.”

Surprisingly, Ricki Herbert and the All Whites’ camp have reacted positively to the news of their impending violent deaths.

“Look, at the very least it’ll save us embarrassing ourselves on the return leg back in Wellington,” Herbert said from the team’s training camp in Los Angeles. “And if Ben Sigmund does anything stupid that costs us the game, I’ll personally volunteer to cleave his skull in two for Xipe Totec before they whack me on the head.”

Herbert went on to add that, “It also means that I’ll avoid that awkward end to my professional coaching career where everyone remembers how I coached the All Whites to two humiliating defeats against Mexico. Instead, they’ll remember my blood curdling screams of agony as my heart is ripped out while still beating as well as when coaching the All Whites to be undefeated in Group F at the 2010 World Cup.”

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HERBERT CHAINS SELF TO STADIUM, REFUSES TO STAND DOWN AS ALL WHITES COACH

POSTED BY EDITOR ON NOV 21, 2013 IN FOOTBALL | 0 COMMENTS

All Whites coach Ricki Herbert has chained himself to the railings of Westpac Stadium in Welilngton overnight in an apparent attempt to remain as head of the national football side. Herbert appears to have taken the action immediately after the final whistle where the All Whites lost 4 – 2 against a dominant Mexican side, and is currently in a standoff with stadium security.

“I took you to the 2010 World Cup,” a visibly distressed Herbert shouted as security first approached. “A World Cup, doesn’t that mean anything to any of you?”

The standoff continued throughout the night, with Herbert desperately trying to list his various achievements to anyone who would listen.

“Don’t you remember the games against Bahrain? We drew, then we won. We won! I coached that, me!” Herbert said before adding, “And the Phoenix, remember them? I took us to the minor final, we finished third overall in 2009-10, third. It was so exciting, we had such big crowds, you all love me. There was talk of a knighthood.”

“Where’s my knighthood John Key?” Herbert said before he collapsed into a sobbing heap.

New Zealand Football Chairman Frank van Hattum was unavailable for comment last night, largely due to the fact that no journalist could rouse him from his comatose state on the Westpac Stadium concourse. However All Whites stand-in Captain, Tommy Smith, was more circumspect on Herbert’s actions.

“Let him keep calling himself All Whites coach if he wants,” Smith said. “It’s not like it’ll make much of a difference. We never really listened to anything he said anyway.”

Updated: Westpac Stadium have confirmed Herbert remains chained in the stadium.

Apart from the "Sitter" NZ football fanzine archive, this is the only website I know of dedicated to NZ sports humour/ spoof news reports/ satire - including football - "Sports Box"  -similar to British spoof new site "

http://sportbox.co.nz/?p=321

LOSING TEAM TO BE BLOOD SACRIFICE IN MEXICO CITY

POSTED BY EDITOR ON NOV 11, 2013 IN FOOTBALL | 0 COMMENTS

The stakes have been raised in the All Whites Football World Cup qualifying game at Estadio Azteca against Mexico, with the host team today declaring that the losing side would become a human sacrifice to Xipe Totec, the Aztec god of life, death and rebirth, in an attempt to improve the fortune’s of their country’s national side.

Miguel Herrera, the Mexican national coach, made the announcement of the human sacrifice as a statement of how confident he was that Mexico would annihilate New Zealand in their Wednesday evening (local time) match in Mexico City.

“Our side has nothing to fear from being sacrificed to Xipe Totec,” Herrera said this morning, “as clearly we’re not going to lose to a side as lowly ranked as New Zealand. I fully intend for us to first smash New Zealand in front of our fans at Estadio Azteca, then to smash their skulls at altars to the old Aztec gods.” Herrera then demonstrated his smashing technique by shattering a watermelon on the desk in front of him, “See, that’s how easy this is going to be.”

Surprisingly, Ricki Herbert and the All Whites’ camp have reacted positively to the news of their impending violent deaths.

“Look, at the very least it’ll save us embarrassing ourselves on the return leg back in Wellington,” Herbert said from the team’s training camp in Los Angeles. “And if Ben Sigmund does anything stupid that costs us the game, I’ll personally volunteer to cleave his skull in two for Xipe Totec before they whack me on the head.”

Herbert went on to add that, “It also means that I’ll avoid that awkward end to my professional coaching career where everyone remembers how I coached the All Whites to two humiliating defeats against Mexico. Instead, they’ll remember my blood curdling screams of agony as my heart is ripped out while still beating as well as when coaching the All Whites to be undefeated in Group F at the 2010 World Cup.”

HERBERT CHAINS SELF TO STADIUM, REFUSES TO STAND DOWN AS ALL WHITES COACH

POSTED BY EDITOR ON NOV 21, 2013 IN FOOTBALL | 0 COMMENTS

All Whites coach Ricki Herbert has chained himself to the railings of Westpac Stadium in Welilngton overnight in an apparent attempt to remain as head of the national football side. Herbert appears to have taken the action immediately after the final whistle where the All Whites lost 4 – 2 against a dominant Mexican side, and is currently in a standoff with stadium security.

“I took you to the 2010 World Cup,” a visibly distressed Herbert shouted as security first approached. “A World Cup, doesn’t that mean anything to any of you?”

The standoff continued throughout the night, with Herbert desperately trying to list his various achievements to anyone who would listen.

“Don’t you remember the games against Bahrain? We drew, then we won. We won! I coached that, me!” Herbert said before adding, “And the Phoenix, remember them? I took us to the minor final, we finished third overall in 2009-10, third. It was so exciting, we had such big crowds, you all love me. There was talk of a knighthood.”

“Where’s my knighthood John Key?” Herbert said before he collapsed into a sobbing heap.

New Zealand Football Chairman Frank van Hattum was unavailable for comment last night, largely due to the fact that no journalist could rouse him from his comatose state on the Westpac Stadium concourse. However All Whites stand-in Captain, Tommy Smith, was more circumspect on Herbert’s actions.

“Let him keep calling himself All Whites coach if he wants,” Smith said. “It’s not like it’ll make much of a difference. We never really listened to anything he said anyway.”

Updated: Westpac Stadium have confirmed Herbert remains chained in the stadium.