The Fiver too funny

Although you could be forgiven for thinking otherwise, England's embarrassing defeat at the hands of Slovenia and the cull of Algeria's Desert Foxes by Landycakes Donovan's USA! USA!! USA!!! Soccerball Superstars aren't the only Nike Pepsi Ryanair Stockwell Motors Auto Wholesalers Toshiba MasterCard British Petroleum Guinness Burger King Newspaper Kiosk Outside King's Cross Train Station 2010 Fifa World Cup South Africa group matches taking place today. Group D also reaches its conclusion later tonight, with all four teams still able to qualify for the last 16. Group leaders Ghana take on second-placed Germany, while third-placed Serbia are playing the Sheilaroos.

The shackle-draggers' hopes are slimmer than Kylie Minogue on a cabbage-water diet: they need to beat the Serbs and hope Ghana beat Germany or Germany hammer Ghana. They probably also need to at least try to complete their first match in this tournament without getting a man sent off. Although the decibel levels of whinging from Down Under that greeted the red cards shown to Tim Cahill and Harry Kewell has been loud enough to drown out the combined noise of the droning of vuvuzelas, the droning of people droning about vuvuzelas and the droning of sarcastic lunchtimely emails droning about droning about people droning about vuvuzelas, Sheilaroos captain Lucas Neill has denied his team have been giving Poms a run for their money in the whinging stakes with their relentless cries of "unfair dinkum".

"Everything that's been written in the last couple of days is the fact that we're all of a sudden a team of whingers," said Neill, who is mistaken, as the incessant moaning, to this day, of Australians about that perfectly fair penalty won by Fabio Grosso four years ago means there's nothing sudden about it. "I think it's everybody else who's doing the whinging. Australia have never been a team that whinges," he continued, prompting Ricky Ponting and Shane Warne to shout: "Fair go, Lucas! What about us?"

But Australia have never been a team that have been short on confidence either, and the 2010 version is no exception. Neill remains confident Germany can put the hurt on Ghana, even if they have to resort to sordid methods to do so. "We've seen enough to believe that Germany, if they played like they did against us, can give Ghana a real touch-up," he said. "I urge everybody to believe like the team believes. There is still hope, there is still an opportunity. This team in the last three or four days has truly believed."

With spiky Goodison Park corner-flag botherer Cahill back in the Sheilaroo ranks and Kewell having retaken his rightful place in the stands, only a flamin' Galah with rocks in its head would bet on the Aussies' unique brand of ute and experience seeing them through to the last 16.