Park Life - Australia

Fixtures, kind-of

In lieu of the massively increased RYOS Fever Card numbers for this season, 3 additional t-shirt designs, AND a women�s range for our most-valued patrons, Yellow Fever even managed to dispatch our very own secret agent to follow the Marinators on their pre-season trials.

With the report just in, trials they were � our friends from the Central Coast used no fewer than 42 different players across the 10 (or�, 9?) fixtures.

We are led to believe that Danny Vukovic said more nasty things to various authority figures resulting in other scheduled or proposed fixtures being immediately cancelled.

FFA would neither confirm nor deny whether one of these was to be against a �Referees XI�.

As Australasia�s pre-eminent supporters� website, we can also inform readers under good authority that various �behind door� fixtures took place � against opponents ranging from feeder clubs Spirit FC and the Central Coast Lightening, to slightly-more-co-operative-than-Bling-FC-near-neighbours (and grand final conquerors) Newcastle Jets.

By all accounts massive Mile Jedinak is playing like a man after a European contract, and most journalists suggest that Ahmad El**ch is playing slightly (slightly) less like a teething infant.

The good oil

Alleged albino Matt Simon spanked a hat-trick in the first �outbound� fixture versus the outstandingly-named Capricorn Cougars of Queensland, but then went missing�so word on the street is that we probably don�t have to worry about him.

Big Dylan MacAlister assumed the mantle of the trick-related hats versus the contrastingly-named Whitsunday Miners � in the same match Sasho Petrovski found his scoring boots, and fan-favourite John Hutchinson got in on the act.

A 1-0 loss to Newcastle may or may not have taken place when the Mariners returned from the far reaches of Queensland. The location may or may not have been Budgewoi.

Next up on the bushwhacking was the nation�s capital � where triallist Taylor Beaton tore the Marinators apart in the first half for his Belconnen United squad, marshalling ex-NZ Knight DUSTIN WELLS - http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Dustin_Wells - to score first and give the uniquely-Australian-nicknamed �Blue Devils� a famous lead.

Lawrie McKinna didn�t like this one bit, gave it �he�s on my team now�, and the boy scored the leveler, AND the winner! Then, he went on trial with Newcastle.

The digression

Central Coast got their ACT (get it??) together against a state-select sporting the Houston-esque �Rockets� banner, with Petrovski, MIA Simon, Predrag Bojic and Frank Lagan climbing the ladder at the Deakin Football Centre in Deakin, due to the self-sufficiency-encouraging policy of changing the scoreboard yourself. Kind of like, try-scorer converts in 7�s.

�This is a football forum � why are you writing about rugby?�
�This is a soccer shop, why have you got league on?�
�Do YOU decide what�s screened on our nation�s only pay-per-view broadcaster??�

The return to topic (more, but less �good oil�)

With another inferior, but politically �superior� � we all know that�s not true � state crossed off the map, the tumbleweed-developing hotspot of Asquith saw the Mariners comfortably amble past the drearily-named Northern Tigers, with Jedinak scoring the first of what will be MANY MANY headers from an un-named but perhaps obvious corner-taker.

Petrovski and Brady Smith completed the scoring.

Central Coast then decided that winning was �cool� again, so returned to Canberra � this time at Bruce Stadium � to beat a Beaton-brandishing Newcastle Jets. Way to piss them off Newcastle. �Champion�.

Monster Jedinak (this correspondent�s favourite) got two there, Surprise Surprise Petrovski the other.

I tried to sign him on Football Manager, but he went to Queensland instead. Probably warmer there.

What can we do about that?

The Central Coast Mariner�s pre-pre-season campaign was then rounded off by a stunning defeat by Stu Jacobs and Fever�s own Jacob Spoonley�s Oly-Whites.

You probably know enough about that already.

Time for bed!

Extra info

In this place, you�d normally find some journalistically-adept �extra info�.

However, the Mariner�s trial results won�t get a charted mention from this writer � because we�re not giving half-empty (or, half-full? Hmm) information. We wouldn�t ever. Nooo.

Lawrie �doesn�t matter its just pre-season� McKinna, at least, will appreciate this stance.

Let�s see if the Fantastic Four can make him sit up and take notice on Sunday!

Fever out.

This week, the Fever disguised themselves as a lower quality but nonetheless intentionally-admirable shirt producer and made a few quick bob with the aid of some stickers dished out from the bottom of the stadium concourse � all in an effort to finance a(nother) scouting mission to the West Island.

Our un-named man went so well last time, what with Mile Jedinak�s mysterious lack of presence on Sunday, that we deployed him again.

In retrospect, and considering the quality of some super-fan�s �season 2008-09� Wikipedia page - http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Queensland_Roar_season_2008-09 - we needn�t have bothered.

Add to that he hasn�t actually submitted anything to us yet, and how good the 4-2-3-1 Phoenix really were�we may as well give you the run down ourselves. This, follows.

Do it ourselves

The Queensland ROAR! (that�s, onomatopoeia) took the large, awkward bull that is pre-season of the A-League pre-season by the horns and brandished their countless fixtures as the �Roar Roadshow�.

Across various regional venues, they took on opposition ranging from the hideously-named Brisbane Olympic (where do they get these names from�) to the piss-takeably-named Peninsula Power of the Brisbane Premier League.

Invitational XI�s from the Gold Coast and local club Eastern Suburbs were also fodder, and Queensland State League powerhouse Brisbane Strikers almost put the Roar to the sword.

--digressing begins--

The Gold Coast XI mentioned above was version 5 (2009/10)new boys �Gold Coast United� in disguise � minus their four thousand guest players and rumoured marquee-signing Wayne Rooney, who has apparently �had enough� of the Cristiano Ronaldo/Real Madrid saga and wants to �make headlines of my own� by �stepping up� to play in the Hyundai A-League.

Rooney�s immenent presence can be credited to Barclay�s Premier League pal Tim Cahill recommending Australasia�s top-flight as at �a very good standard � probably equal to if not better than the Spanish and Italian leagues, put together�.

He justified this radical statement by stating that �you�ve got Australia, and we�re real good�then New Zealand�and they�re real good too. Simple.�

--digressing ends--

The Roadshow fixtures led into the much-publicised �Roar against Racism� match versus Palmeiras B (or�C), where local wonderkid Tim Smits got on the scoresheet in an historic but misleading 3-1 victory.

Fresh meat

Smits is a local product who got a chance under Miron Bleiberg in the pre-season cup two seasons ago � but did not manage to secure a contract. This time around, he has � scoring an additional 7 goals over the Roar Roadshow.

Another man-about-town with a Queensland contract is the rumoured younger brother of Karl Dodd, David, who spent time with UniBond League Division One North heavyweights Lancaster City in 2005.

Their squad includes one midget to keep an eye on, if you can spot him, in wee Thomas Oar � who at 64 kilograms is less than half the weight of various shirtless individuals spotted at the Cake Tin last Sunday.

To the best of our little knowledge, he is also not only Queensland but also the A-League�s youngest player at a highly pubescent 16 years of age. Give him another 16, and perhaps he�ll make the hall of fame that is Aisle 20, row J.

Oar will definitely have to paddle his hardest this season to get past the impressive Michael Zullo and Robbie Kruse, as well as each of their ever-expanding bags of tricks.

Raw deal

In a somewhat��not that smart� move, arguably, club officials passed up on the chance to relish the services of rather large Brazilian marksman Bruno Mezenga for the coming season.

Granted, it was on loan from �superclub� Flamengo, and would undoubtedly have been nothing more than a season-long fling�but if given the option of a Brazilian age-group international, or some unknown Dutchman from Holland�s lower-leagues � only Pim Verbeek would be proud.

The common justification was that due to the A-League�s salary cap, there wasn�t room for new signing � and to be fair, similarly-large � Sergio van Dijk (Frank van Eijs � in disguise) AND Mezenga, so the decision was made.

By all accounts Mezenga was a colossus during their pre-season campaign, so perhaps the Phoenix� 81 assistant coaches under the �signings� and �Mulligan� forum threads could enquire as to his availability.

(a little bit of) Extra Info

As previously mentioned, fellow statto�s can�t go past http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Queensland_Roar_season_2008-09, which also contains useful links to otherwise-firmly-archived match reports from the �Roar Roadshow�.

HYUNDAI A-LEAGUE V.4 � 2008 PRE-SEASON CUP

Saturday July 19 2008 � Campbelltown Stadium, Campbelltown, Sydney, NSW

Sydney FC 2 (Payne, Prentice)
Queensland Roar 1 (van Dijk)

*Hyuk-Su Seo, red card, 57 minutes. Does it on his own �

If you�re still reading this, I like you.

With �no indication whatsoever� the Fever�s prized, award-winning* Australian Park Life disregarded his �water-tight� 3-episode writing contract to stalk his freely-proclaimed idol Runny Bill Williams into Mundine�s car, through Sydney Airport, Singapore and Heathrow en route to Toulon � but made the crucial error of having his own Francais passport...so is now sipping on a red with new best friends Tana and Jerry (who he says are very nice).

�which has left us in a somewhat-awkward position, and with no option but to direct traffic on to the ever-reliable http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Sydney_FC_season_2008-09 and its associated links.

Trials, kind-of

There, you will find information detailing Bling FC�s calamitous trial results against NSW Premier League makeweights Blacktown City, Sutherland, and Manly United.

(note: Sutherland are actually top, and will probably win, Manly are pressing them, and�despite usually being not that bad, ex-NZ Knight�s Josh Maguire�s former Blacktown are having a bit of a shocker - Ed)

The fearsomely-named Blacktown City Demons, incidentally, seem to be the first �big club� of Phoenix� may-as-well-be-a-marquee-signing Adam Kwasnik � AND won, yes�came first in�the NSW Premier League last year.

So, caliber of Sydney�s opposition � not that bad.

Some might say they�ve had a good few hit-outs.

But, so far in the Hyundai A-League Pre-Season Cup 2008, their �face-value� form has�only, and merely, continued.

First up, a 2-1 come-back victory over �the Raw� thanks to (much improved) Perth reject Mitchell Prentice� free-kick was enjoyed by coach John �I could take on a Muscat anyday� Kosmina.

Kosmina, however, would have been less-than-pleased by his side being collectively down-trailed and sniffed at by comeback kid Bosnich� Central Coast Mariners at the weekend � 3 goals to nil.

Players, kind-of

This year, Sydney have lost the considerable talent and/or experience of Ufuk Talay, Ruben Zadkovich, David Zdrilic (not that it mattered�), JUNINHO, and Mark �maybe not� Milligan�amongst others.
Not to mention big-fella Mark Rudan taking off to Japan towards the end of the season � where Talay has followed him to.

Yes, that�s almost half of their first-team from 2007/8.

To offset the losses however, they have poached John Aloisi, Simon Colosimo, Stuart Musialik, and Mark Bridge � as well as gaining Mitchell Prentice and pride-of-Manly United Chris Payne.

Look for big things from ex-LA Galaxy Michael Enfield � the first openly-Jewish player in the A-League � if he can ever fully-recover from a rather unpleasant knee injury that welcomed him to Australia last season.

vs. the Phoenix

If there was ever a time to humiliate Sydney, at home, and make a real statement of intent � it�s this weekend at Wollongong.

1.4 million-dollar man Aloisi (junior) is looking good to remain unavailable injured/on film-shoot duty, with prickly Brendon Santalab, Tony Popovic and Enfield also in the maternity ward (is that what the injury one�s called? � always wondered), and Mark Bridge hostage in Beijing, together with Stuart Musialik.

This leaves Sydney with an available squad hardly matching the prestige befitting a club that has seen a full squad�s worth progress to or return from the world�s elite leagues, and up against a tough ask ahead in the fire-breathing Phoenix.

Rhetorical question

Did that last sentence escalate into something resembling ACTUAL journalism? Quick, run!

Extra info

There is no extra info. Get it yourself.

*may not have actually won any awards

If friends of the Fever, TAB, had offered odds on a pre-season cup final containing the Phoenix � they would�ve been long, and there would�ve been two forumites at least $20-43.50 richer...
But, they didn�t...and, they�re not.

So on with business.

Hopefully, but probably not, more-compelling reading

Boasting South American players with individual sponsors, and the largest right-back in the world, the affectionally-labelled �Tards� will roll into town for a midweek clash with the flying Phoenix.

Their circumcised pre-season trials (thanks to the AFC Champions League) included a 3-1 LOSS to ex-NZ Knights Jeff Fleming�s Green Gully, and a trip to...TASMANIA.

Incidentally, trivially, and unimportantly, the side that lost to Green Gully DID include 9 players that will feature in the coming Phoenix-less Hyundai A-League-Youth-League...and even more trivially, saw only 9 players finish the match in a Melbourne shirt.

In the interests of instigating a supporters� frenzy as soon as possible � and due to the Melbourne supporter�s lack of Wikipedia-proficiency � that�s as far as we�ll venture into their pre-season form.

The literature suggests it much more applicable, relevant, worthwhile and interesting to look into the individual players who can expect to be goaded by our finest come Wednesday.

Make fun of the following

Michael Theoklitos

...for perhaps-obvious, purely and totally immature reasons, and despite being the best �keeper in the league. Along with the other 8 �best �keeper in the league�s.

Michael Thwaite

...MASSIVE for a �right-back�, but may well play in the centre. That wouldn�t be as amusing.

Kevin Muscat

...�we�ve got the beeeeeest Muscat, in the league� (potentially, anyway)

Jose Luis Lopez

...�transform yourself�. Jose is proudly brought to Australia by � The Shaver Shop.

Carlos Hernandez

...is quite good, but � PERSONALLY sponsored by none other than the Colonel�s own Kentucky Fried Chicken. (see �Extra info� � by special request of a certain �prominent� Fever Executive member)

Ney Fabiano de Oliveira

...�you�re just their latest Brazilian, their latest Braziiiiiiiiiiiiiiilian, you�re just their latest Braziiiilian...�

Stop making fun of people to feel better about yourself

The above are, of course, just a few amongst many other potential piss-takes.

But rather than the writer spending his under-employed Monday making fun of things people can�t change without the help of deed-poll...he could probably make himself useful instead.

Enjoy Wednesday people. Midweek football � just like being in the Champions League.

Sorry you had to read this. Actually, you DIDN�T have to. Nobody made you. Apology withdrawn.

Extra info

�Chicken Dance� lyrics:

(various adaptations of �na� or �da�, to the tune...with claps, please)

�Chicken Dance� actions, courtesy of http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Chicken_Dance:

The "Chicken Dance" song is accompanied by a dance requiring a group of people, and it goes as follows:

� At the start of the music, shape a chicken beak with your hands. Open and close it four times, during the first four beats of the music.

� Make chicken wings with your arms. Flap your wings four times, during the next four beats of the music.

� Make a chicken's tail feathers with your arms and hands. Wiggle downwards during the next four beats of the music.

� Clap four times during the next four beats of the music.

� Repeat this process four times.

� At the bridge, hold your arms straight, in imitation of an aeroplane. All dancers spin around the room in "flight" until the bridge ends.

� (Alternately: At the bridge, link arms with the nearest person, turn right eight steps, switch arms and turn left eight steps, then repeat until the bridge ends)

� The dance repeats, progressively getting faster and faster, until the music stops.