Fever top tips

#13 Greece: Try living within your means.  Just for once.

#14: Banks, city council, Transport NZ - how the f*ck am I going to get out of debt if you keep sending me bills for rates, car rego and my mortgage?  School - don't you get me started too.

That's a simple one...

Sacrifice one of your children by pushing them under a bus on Manners St. Sue the council for your loss!

One less child to pay for schooling. Council pay you money. Pay off rego. Put rest of money in bank!

WIN-WIN-WIN!

But then J82 will have to employ a midget to replace the sacrificed child, to work in his Karori Salt Mines!

I'm not going to waste having bought TWO fishing rods and tackle plus a whole lot of soft bait and bonito, just so I can screw over the city council.  Tempting as that sounds.

Still need to knock over this b#stard mortgage plus house maintenance as well.

Our salt mine under Wright's Hill isn't as lucrative as you may think, thanks to all these "healthy" messages from so called medical experts. And thanks to the council (who else?) they are culling wild goats in the area too so my safari park (wild pig, goats, hedgehogs and spotties) is not going to see the light of day either.

Given that the whole Salt Mine thing is going down the pan, have you considered selling one of each of your childrens kidneys? Sounds like they wont be needing both without added the salt intake!

#15: Drivers of large 4WDs on narrow winding Wgtn streets - drive well over the centre line and really fast, don't slow down for any oncoming traffic.

That way the rest of us motorists stay alert and get to test out our brakes really well.  Plus it just reinforces how awesome you lot really are.

#16: Giants wanting to learn a musical instrument can use a Double Bass as a Ukulele !

#17: Midgets wanting to learn a classical musical instrument can use a ukelele as a double bass.

#18: Motorists - when pulling out from a parallel park on the side of the road, use your indicator lights.  Not only is this very courteous to other drivers, but it is also a very necessary safety procedure. AS WE AREN'T F*CKING PSYCHIC.

#19: Muslim fanatics and right wing extremists - try smiling more, turn those frowns upside down.  You'll soon be feeling a lot better and have less of an urge to kill people.

#20: Phoenix Season Members: Did you know that your "fridge" magnet is not just for use on your fridge?  You can try it out on most metallic surfaces and it will stick to them without falling off.

How novel.

#20: If you are a mad Scientist/Inventor, always have an assistant try out the prototypes before you. My previous employer didn't listen, so now we will never know, if, after a little more development work, his bullet proof contact lenses could have been the next big thing !

#21: If you are about to crash whilst in a helicopter, DO NOT activate the ejector seat !

#23 If you are going to have offspring that are prone to falling to the ground, do not call them Jeronimo! It's just plain mean!

#24: Phoenix players, especially Tyler Boyd - you see that rectangle made of white posts at the end of the pitch (not the one with Pasty in it)? Kick or head the ball (the round thing) into it when you are playing a game.  Brockie got the hang of it after a while so he can help the rest of you out if needs be.

#25 Don't wear the opposition colours to watch your teams match.

I admit I did not take heed of this advice last night.  And I hate myself for it.

Outed by ErnieClucks and Patrick no less!