What sits in the kitchen and keeps getting smaller and
smaller?
A baby combing it's hair with a potato peeler!
Most ridiculous British laws
1. It is illegal to die in the Houses of Parliament (27%).
2. It is an act of treason to place a postage stamp bearing the British
monarch upside-down (7%).
3. In Liverpool, it is illegal for a woman to be topless except as a clerk
in a tropical-fish store (6%).
4. Mince pies cannot be eaten on Christmas Day (5%).
5. In Scotland, if someone knocks on your door and requires the use of your
toilet, you must let them enter (4%).
6. A pregnant woman can legally relieve herself anywhere she wants,
including in a policeman's helmet (4%).
7. The head of any dead whale found on the British coast automatically
becomes the property of the king, and the tail of the queen (3,5%).
8. It is illegal to avoid telling the tax man anything you do not want him
to know, but legal not to tell him information you do not mind him knowing
(3%).
9. It is illegal to enter the Houses of Parliament in a suit of armour (3%).
10. In the city of York it is legal to murder a Scotsman within the ancient
city walls, but only if he is carrying a bow and arrow (2%).
Its no longer a problem.
Three Irishmen, Paddy, Sean and Shamus, were stumbling home from the pub late one night and found themselves on the road which led past the old graveyard.
"Come have a look over here," says Paddy, "it's Michael O'Grady's grave, God bless his soul. He lived to the ripe old age of 87."
"That's nothing", says Sean, "here's one named Patrick O'Tool, it says here that he was 95 when he died."
Just then, Shamus yells out, "Good God, here's a fella that got to be 145 years old!"
"What was his name?" asks Paddy.
Shamus stumbles around a bit, awkwardly lights a match to see what else is written on the stone marker, and exclaims, "Miles, from Dublin."
A Duck walks into a pub and orders a beer and a ham sandwich.
The barman looks at him and says, 'But you're a
duck'.
'I see your eyes are working', replies the duck.
'And you talk!' exclaims the barman.
'I see your ears are working', says the duck,
'Now can I have my beer and my sandwich please?'
Certainly', says the barman,
'sorry about that, it's just we don't get many ducks in this
pub. What are you doing round this way?'.
I'm working on the building site across the road', explains
the duck.
Then the duck drinks his beer, eats his sandwich and leaves.
This continues for 2 weeks. Then one day the circus comes to
town.
The ringleader of the circus comes into the pub and the barman says
to him, 'You're with the circus aren't you? I know this duck
that would be
just brilliant in your circus, he talks, drinks beer and
everything!' .
'Sounds marvellous', says the ringleader, 'get him to give me a
call'.
So the next day when the duck comes into the pub the barman
says,
'Hey Mr Duck, I reckon I can line you up with a top job,
paying really good money!'
Yeah?', says the duck, 'Sounds great, where is it?'
At the circus', says the barman.
The circus?' the duck enquires.
'That's right', replies the barman.
That place with the big tent?' the duck enquires.
'Yeah' the barman replies.
With the big canvas roof with the hole in the middle', asks
the duck.
That's right!' says the barman.
The duck looks confused.
'What the fu*k would they want with a
plasterer?
We're Forever Causing Trouble
We're Forever Causing Trouble
Three for me, and two for them.
Two old ladies are outside their nursing home, having a drink and a smoke, when it starts to rain. One of the old ladies pulls out a condom, cuts off the end, puts it over her cigarette, and continues smoking.