Jokes

Jokes

This one is R18...ish

aren't jokes supposed to be funny?

Good one doug.

I thought it was funny..

yeah same gave me a laugh

Pretty good joke.

What's the difference between Danny Milosevic and a taxi driver? Cnut2007-05-08 19:11:08

heres a great joke:

oh oh oh, heres another one:

Here's one that usually works with George Bush, but for our friend MF I'll change it a little.

During the first day of college, the dean pointing out some of the rules to the students:
"The female dormitory will be out-of-bounds for all male students, and the male dormitory to the female students. Anybody caught breaking this rule will be fined $20 the first time. Anybody caught breaking this rule the second time will be fined $60. Being caught a third time will cost you $180. Are there any questions?"

"How much for a season pass?"

Hahah, im stuck on dirty jokes so youll have to forgive me...

A young lady proceeds to a checkout at a supermarket.

The lad behind the counter zaps through her things... 1 can of beans, 1 toothbrush, 1 apple, 1 orange, 1 pair of socks...

"So, you're single then?" he asks.

"Yeah," she says sheepishly. "How'd you guess?"

"You're f**king ugly."

I thought this one was quite funny.

This is the transcript of the ACTUAL radio conversation between the
British and the Irish, off the coast of Kerry, Oct 98. Radio conversation
released by the Chief of Naval Operations 10-10-98:

IRISH: Please divert your course 15 degrees to the South, to avoid a
collision.

BRITISH: Recommend you divert your course 15 degrees to the North, to
avoid a collision.

IRISH: Negative. You will have to divert your course 15 degrees to
the South to avoid a collision.

BRITISH: This is the Captain of a British navy ship. I say again,
divert YOUR course.

IRISH: Negative. I say again, You will have to divert YOUR course.

BRITISH: THIS IS THE AIRCRAFT CARRIER HMS BRITIANNIA! THE SECOND LARGEST SHIP IN THE BRITISH ATLANTIC FLEET. WE ARE ACCOMPANIED BY THREE DESTROYERS, THREE CRUISERS, AND NUMEROUS SUPPORT VESSELS. I DEMAND THAT YOU CHANGE YOUR COURSE 15 DEGREES NORTH, I SAY AGAIN, THAT IS 15 DEGREES NORTH, OR COUNTER-MEASURES WILL BE UNDERTAKEN TO ENSURE THE SAFETY OF THIS SHIP.

IRISH: We are a lighthouse. Your call.

this is gold

An Irish Pub Joke...

An Irish man has been at a pub all night drinking. The bartender finally says that the bar is closed. So your man stands up to leave and falls flat on his face. He figures he'll crawl outside and get some fresh air and maybe that will sober him up.

Once outside he stands up but again falls flat on his face. He crawls home. Reaching the door he tries to stand up, and yet again, falls flat on his face. He crawls through the door and up the stairs. When he reaches his bed he summons the last of his strength and tries one final time to stand.

It's no use. He tumbles into bed and is soon sound asleep, only to awaken the next morning to the sound of his wife standing over him shouting.

'So... you've been out drinking again!'

'How did you know?' he asks, his head hung in shame.

'The pub called-- you left your damn wheelchair down there again!'

Head goes to the bar A man is waiting for wife to give birth. The doctor comes in and informs the dad that his son was born without torso, arms or legs. The son is just a head! But the dad loves his son and raises him as well as he can, with love and compassion. After 21 years, the son is old enough for his first drink. Dad takes him to the bar and tearfully tells the son he is proud of him.

Dad orders up the biggest, strongest drink for his boy. With all the bar patrons looking on curiously and the bartender shaking his head in disbelief, the boy takes his first sip of alcohol. Swoooop! A torso pops out!

The bar is dead silent; then bursts into a whoop of joy. The father, shocked, begs his son to drink again. The patrons chant "Take another drink"! The bartender still shakes his head in dismay.

Swoooop! Two arms pops out. The bar goes wild. The father, crying and wailing, begs his son to drink again. The patrons chant, "Take another drink"! The bartender ignores the whole affair. By now the boy is getting tipsy, and with his new hands he reaches down, grabs his drink and guzzles the last of it. Swoooop! Two legs pop out.

The bar is in chaos. The father falls to his knees and tearfully thanks God. The boy stands up on his new legs and stumbles to the left.... then to the right.... right through the front door, into the street, where a truck runs over him and kills him instantly.

The bar falls silent. The father moans in grief. The bartender sighs and says, "That boy should have quit while he was a head."

How does Bob Marley like his donuts?









Wi Jam In!!

Q. What did the mongol say to his dog?

Two cannibals are eating a clown, one turns to the other and says, "does this taste funny to you?"

Jesus walks into the foyer of a hotel, puts three nails on the reception counter and asks "Can  you put me up for the night?"

Why did the chicken cross the road?

When Kentucky Fried Chicken in Royal Oak (Ak) relocated from one side of Manukau Road to the other in the 90's me and a mate spraypainted (alright, grafittied/tagged) on the old one "Why did the chicken cross the road?" It was funny, believe me.

A husband & wife went to the rodeo and one of their first stops was the Breeding Bull exhibit.

They went up to the first pen and there was a sign attached that said, "This bull mated 50 times last year."

The wife playfully nudged her husband in the ribs and said, "See, he mated 50 times last year ... Once-a-week."

They walked to the second pen which had a sign attached that said, "This bull mated 120 times last year."

The wife gave her husband a healthy jab and said, "That's more than twice a week! You could learn a lot from him."

They walked to the third pen and it had a sign attached that said, in capital letters, "This bull mated 365 times last year."

The wife said, that's once-a-DAY. You could REALLY learn something from this one."

The husband looked at her and said, "Go over and ask him if it was with the same cow."

The Buffalo Theory The "Buffolo Theory" of Beer..

A herd of buffalo can move only as fast as the slowest buffalo. When the herd is hunted, it is the slowest and weakest ones at the back that are killed first.

This natural selection is good for the herd as a whole, because the general speed and health of the whole group keeps improving by the regular killing of the weakest members.

In much the same way the human brain can only operate as fast as the slowest brain cells. Excessive intake of alcohol, we all know, kills brain cells, but naturally it attacks the slowest and weakest brain cells first.

In this way regular consumption of beer eliminates the weaker brain cells, making the brain a faster and more efficient machine.

That's why you always feel smarter after a few beers, and that's why beer is so GOOD for you!

that sucked bro

A husband and wife keep getting busted by their kids having sex. Fed up of this, the wife decides that they need an inconspicuous code word, so they can sneak off and do it. After discussing it, they decide on the code word "laundry".

Someone elses - I think all of the jokes around these days have been recycled!

yeah agree but i'd never heard that one b4

What's the first question at a West Auckland quiz night?

One day little Johnny comes upon his grandfather enjoying a beer. Johnny asks, "Granpa, can I have some of your beer?" To which his grandfather replies, "Well that all depends, can your dick touch your asshole?" Slightly shocked, Johnny says, "No, grandpa" "Then you're not man enough" his grandfather replies promptly.

The next day Johnny sees his Grandfather smoking a cigar. He asks him, "Grandpa, may I smoke a cigar?" Again his grandfather replies "Can your dick touch your asshole?" and, again, Johnny says no.

The third day Johnny's grandfather sees little Johnny eating some fresh baked cookies. He says, "Hey there Johnny, can you give me a cookie?"

Johnny asks, "I don't know grandpa, can your dick touch your asshole?"

His grandfather proudly replies, "Why yes, yes it can"

Johnny says, "Well then go f**k yourself, because grandma made these cookies for me"

Why did the toilet paper roll down the hill?