Lonegunman's Lonely Lolathon

Lonegunman's Lonely Lolathon

Like it. Fits in with Yomcats Lonely Corner.

Explosion at a pie factory in Huddersfield.

3.14159265 dead.

Great to be Kiwi

BREAKING NEWS: After watching his performance against Liverpool, Bayern Munich are to appeal John Terry's CL final suspension.

Following their FA Cup win, Chelsea fans have signed a 1 year extension to remain at the club. They had been strongly linked to Man City.

Arsenal team meeting.http://pic.twitter.com/ljhUCnDt

 

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Everton's right-back is a bit apprehensive about going forward...he's feeling a bit inHIBBERTed.

Liverpool's new home and away kits revealed.#LFCkit. http://pic.twitter.com/hrylvd2F

 

I went to the doctors. He said 'What appears to be the problem?'. 
I said 'I keep having the same dream, night after night, beautiful girls rushing towards me and I keep pushing them away'. 
He said 'How can I help?'. 
I said 'Break my arms!'

Our ice cream man was found lying on the floor of his van covered with hundreds and thousands. Police say that he topped himself.

A priest was walking by a river when a fisherman spotted him and invited him to fish with him for a while, the priest accepted.

30 minutes later the priest catches a huge fish and pulls it out of the river. The fisherman, overwhelmed with the priest's catch says "Jesus, that's a big f*cker!"

The priest, being a man of the cloth, tells the fisherman off for using such foul language, but the fisherman being a quick thinking bloke explains that the fish is actually called a F*cker. The priest apologises for going off at the fisherman.  

Not long afterwards the priest takes his fish back to the monastery where he sees the bishop.

"Hey Bishop, look at this big F*cker I caught!"

The bishop yells at the priest for using such foul language, the priest explains that the fish is called a F*cker.  The bishop apologises and says "Well, how about I go clean the F*cker?"

After cleaning the fish the bishop runs into the Mother Superior, "Look at this big F*cker the priest caught".

The Mother Superior looks shocked and yells at the bishop for using such foul language ina place of worship.  The bishop explains that the fish is called a F*cker, the Mother Superior apologises and says, "how about I go cook the F*cker?"

That night the Pope, the all mighty leader of the Catholic Church comes around for dinner.

There seated at the table when the Mother Superior brings in the fish and places it on the table, the priest with a big smile on his face says, "I caught the F*cker!".  Then the bishop says "and I cleaned the F*cker" then the Mother Superior says "and I cooked the F*cker".

The Pope stares at them with a steely gaze for a while, then all of a sudden drops a massive fart, kicks off his slippers and puts his feet on the table, sculls a straight shot of whiskey, lights up a cigar and then says "Hey, do you know - you c*nts are alright".

From the fighting cock.

1) "You know who really gives kids a bad name? Posh and Becks." –Stewart Francis

2) "Last night me and my girlfriend watched three DVDs back to back. Luckily I was the one facing the telly." – Tim Vine

3) "I was raised as an only child, which really annoyed my sister." – Will Marsh

4) "You know you're working class when your TV is bigger than your book case." – Rob Beckett

5) "I'm good friends with 25 letters of the alphabet … I don't know Y." –Chris Turner

6) "I took part in the sun tanning Olympics - I just got Bronze." – Tim Vine

7) "Pornography is often frowned upon, but that's only because I'm concentrating." – George Ryegold

8) "I saw a documentary on how ships are kept together. Riveting!" –Stewart Francis

9) "I waited an hour for my starter so I complained: 'It's not rocket salad." – Lou Sanders

10) "My mum's so pessimistic, that if there was an Olympics for pessimism … she wouldn't fancy her chances." – Nish Kumar

My preference:

3), 5), 6), 8), 1), 7), 10), 4), 2), 9)

From The Fighting Cock:

An Englishman, a Scotsman, an Irishman, a Welshman, a Latvian, a Turk, a German, an Indian, several Americans (including a Hawaiian and an Alaskan), an Argentinean, a Dane, an Australian, a Slovak, an Egyptian, a Japanese, a Moroccan, a Frenchman, a New Zealander, a Spaniard, a Russian, a Guatemalan, a Colombian, a Pakistani, a Malaysian, a Croatian, a Uzbek, a Cypriot, a Pole, a Lithuanian, a Chinese, a Sri Lankan, a Lebanese, a Cayman Islander, a Ugandan, a Vietnamese, a Korean, a Uruguayan, a Czech, an Icelander, a Mexican, a Finn, a Honduran, a Panamanian, an Andorran, an Israeli, a Venezuelan, an Iranian, a Fijian, a Peruvian, an Estonian, a Syrian, a Brazilian, a Portuguese, a Liechtensteiner, a Mongolian, a Hungarian, a Canadian, a Moldovan, a Haitian, a Norfolk Islander, a Macedonian, a Bolivian, a Cook Islander, a Tajikistani, a Samoan, an Armenian, an Aruban, an Albanian, a Greenlander, a Micronesian, a Virgin Islander, a Georgian, a Bahaman, a Belarusian, a Cuban, a Tongan, a Cambodian, a Canadian, a Qatari, an Azerbaijani, a Romanian, a Chilean, a Jamaican, a Filipino, a Ukrainian, a Dutchman, a Ecuadorian, a Costa Rican, a Swede, a Bulgarian, a Serb, a Swiss, a Greek, a Belgian, a Singaporean, an Italian, a Norwegian and 2 Africans... Walk into a fine restaurant. ?

"I'm sorry," says the maître d', after scrutinizing the group. 
"You can't come in here without a Thai."

.....and Jersey.

Why the jersey? Was it a bit Chilean the restaurant?

I just saw a dyslexic Yorkshireman wearing a cat flap.

Two atoms meet. One says, "I've lost my electron."
The other says, "Are you sure?"
The first replies, "Yes, I'm positive."