over 18 years ago
· edited over 13 years ago
1 . Two blondes walk into a
building..........you'd think at least one of them would have seen
it.
2. Phone answering machine message - '...If
you want to buy marijuana, press the hash key...'
3 . A guy walks into the psychiatrist
wearing only Clingfilm for shorts. The shrink says, 'Well, I can
clearly see you're nuts.'
4. I went to buy some camouflage trousers
the other day but I couldn't find any.
5. I went to the butchers the other day and
I bet him 50 quid that he couldn't reach the meat off the top
shelf. He said,
'No, the steaks are too high.'
6. My friend drowned in a bowl of muesli. A
strong currant pulled him in.
7 . A man came round in hospital after a
serious accident. He shouted, 'Doctor, doctor, I can't feel my
legs!'
The doctor replied, 'I know you can't, I've cut your arms
off'.
8. I went to a seafood disco last week...and
pulled a muscle.
9. Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were
chilly. They lit a fire in the craft, it sank, proving once and for
all that you can't have your kayak and heat it.
10. Our ice cream man was found lying on the
floor of his van covered with hundreds and thousands. Police say
that he topped himself.
11 . Man goes to the doctor, with a
strawberry growing out of his head.
Doc says 'I'll give you some cream to put on it.'
12. 'Doc I can't stop singing
'The Green, Green Grass of
Home'
'That sounds like Tom Jones syndrome. '
'Is it common?'
'It's not unusual.'
13. A man takes his Rotteweiller to the vet.
'My dog is cross-eyed, is there anything you can do for him?'
'Well,' said the vet, 'let's have a look at him'
So he picks the dog up and examines his eyes, then he checks his
teeth. Finally, he says, 'I'm going to have to put him down.'
'What? Because he's cross-eyed?'
'No, because he's really heavy'
14. Guy goes into the doctor's. 'Doc, I've got a cricket ball stuck
up my backside.'
'How's that?'
'Don't you start.'
15. Two elephants walk off a cliff...boom,
boom!
16. What do you call a fish with no eyes? A
fsh.
17. So I was getting into my car, and this
bloke says to me 'Can you give me a lift?'
I said 'Sure, you look great, the world's your oyster, go for
it.'
18. Apparently, 1 in 5 people in the world
are Chinese. There are 5 people in my family, so it must be one of
them. It's either my mum or my Dad, or my
older brother Colin, or my younger brother
Ho-Cha-Chu. But I
think it 's
Colin.
19. Two fat blokes in a pub, one says to the
other 'Your round.' The other one says 'So are you, you fat
bast**d!'
20. Police arrested two kids yesterday, one
was drinking battery acid, and the other was eating fireworks. They
charged one and let the other one off.
21. 'You know, somebody actually
complimented me on my driving today. They left a little note on the
windscreen. It said, 'Parking Fine.' So that was nice.'
22. A man walked into the doctors, he said,
'I've hurt my arm in several places'
The doctor said, 'Well don't go there anymore'
23. England's worst air disaster occurred
early this morning when a small two-seater Cessna plane crashed
into a cemetery. British search and rescue
workers have recovered 1826 bodies so far and expect that number to
climb as digging continues into the night
Proud to have attended the first 175 Consecutive "Home" Wellington Phoenix "A League" Games !!
The Ruf, The Ruf, The Ruf is on Fire!!
I
hadn't heard of most of them before. I was never really a Tommy
Cooperfan - until now. Some classic lines there!
