Things we've learnt

Things we�ve learnt from the European Championships

� In the unlikely event of that not working returning home and using a television interview designed to give you a chance to explain the failure and apologise for it to propose to your girlfriend will win many friends.

� When commentating on a match the chances of a last second goal that changes the whole direction of the match increase ten fold if you declare the previous goal as either �the winner� or �the goal that takes them to the next round�.

� Extra time is thirty minutes long, not twenty eight. Consequently if you score in the twenty eighth minute the game is not over and it is advisable to return to your previous positions and continue to play for a further two minutes rather than lie in a celebration huddle under your manager.

� The pain of inevitable failure can be overcome by simply not qualifying. Stay at home and listen to the clueless idiot that cost your country its place at the championships tell you all about what�s happening to those that did make it. At your expense.

- If you�re not up for that appoint Guus Hiddink when the chance presents itself.

� Turkey are such a fantastic team they can progress to the semi finals despite only taking part in matches for a total of fourteen minutes � and leading for just two and a half of those. Imagine how good they could be if they played for 90 minutes.

� No trophies are handed out for winning your group. If you feel the need to destroy the other three teams you get stuck with and score a goal every ten minutes then go right ahead, but be ready for the knockout.

� All the world class players you can fit onto the team bus won�t help you if you can�t defend a set piece.

� You may have an ego the size of the host nation and a selection of ladies waiting back at your house for the after match pool party but shooting every time you get within 35 yards of the goal is not as effective as playing consistently high quality balls into the penalty area.

� England and Italy are the only countries who think they�re meant to send their best referees to international tournaments. Everybody else sends their equivalent of Rob Styles to handicap the other nations. Looking ahead to the World Cup I'd advise Uriah Rennie, Mike Riley, Andy Hall and Trevor Kettle to have a valid passport in case our authorities catch on to this idea.

� Instead of playing for a penalty shoot out � save yourself the trouble and toss a coin. Your chances after 120 minutes are no better than 50/50, even if you do have Buffon in goal.

� Never back against the Germans.