Apparently I'm apathetic, but I couldn't care less.
"Being a Partick Thistle fan sets you apart. It means youre a free thinker. It also means your team has no money." Tim Luckhurst, The Independent, 4th December 2003
As Rangers took on Zenit St Petersburg in the Uefa Cup final, shouts of "We're gonna deep-fry your vodka!" echoed around the City of Manchester stadium.
REWRITING POP HISTORY
Leeds fans (to the tune of Kaiser Chiefs' Oh My God):
"Oh my God I can't believe it, we've never been this good away from home!"
Middlesbrough (Bon Jovi's Living On A Prayer):
"Ohh! We're half way there! Ohh-ohh! Aliadiere!"
Man City (Pink Floyd's Another Brick In The Wall):
"We don't need no Phil Scolari,
We don't need Mourinho,
Hey! Thaksin! Leave our Sven alone!"
Bishop Stortford (Toni Basil's Hey Mickey - sung to St Albans goalkeeper Nick Eyre):
"Hey Nicky you're so fine, you're so fine, you're two behind, hey Nicky!"
Arsenal (The Jackson 5's Blame it on the Boogie):
"Don't blame it on Henry, don't blame it on the injuries, don't blame it on the referees, blame it on Eboue!"
Man Utd (Black Lace's Agadoo):
"Anderson-son-son, he's better than Kleberson,
Anderson-son-son, he's our midfield magician,
To the left to the right we'll dance the samba beat tonight,
He is class, our midfield brass, and he dumps on Fabregas!"
Newcastle (The Beatles' Let It Be):
"When we find ourselves in times of trouble, Kevin Keegan comes to me. Speaking words of wisdom, Geremi!"
Tottenham (Elvis Presley's The Wonder Of You):
"That's Ju-ande, Ju-ande Ramos!"
Everton (Black Lace/The Tweenies' Music Man):
"I am the Music Man. I come from far away. And I can play (what can you play?) I Play The Pienaar! Pi Pi Pi Pi Pienaaaaaar!"
Chester (The Outhere Brothers' Boom Boom Boom - to Simon Yeo):
"Boom, boom, boom, let me hear you say Yeo, Yeooo!"
Blackburn (Christmas standard Santa Claus Is Coming):
"You better watch out,
You better beware,
He's good on the ground and he's good in the air,
Santa Cruz is coming to town."
Newcastle (Happy Days theme tune):
"Sunday, Monday, Habib Beye
Tuesday, Wednesday, Habib Beye
Thursday, Friday, Habib Beye
Saturday, Habib Beye, rocking all week with you!"
Man City (The Proclaimers' I'm Gonna Be (500 miles)):
"Oh you can freeze 500 million, and you can freeze 500 more, Cos Thaksin's got another billion underneath his bedroom floor, Shin-a-watra! Shin-a-watra!"
WHAT DO YOU LOOK LIKE?
"You're just a fat Paris Hilton."
Arsenal fans to Liverpool's Andriy Voronin.
"There's only one Tina Turner!"
Doncaster's big-haired Jason Price gets the treatment from Forest.
"You're just a fat Annie Lennox!"
No More I Love Yous from the Spurs fans to West Ham's Dean Ashton.
"There's only one Roland Browning."
Bognor Regis fans taunt big-boned Eastleigh sub Steve Watts.
"You're just a fat Kevin Doyle!"
Reading fans to Robbie Keane.
"He's big, he's Scouse, he looks like Mickey Mouse!"
Sheffield Wednesday fans take the mickey out of Franny Jeffers.
"You're just a fat Eddie Murphy!"
Fans of several Championship clubs to Cardiff's Jimmy Floyd Hasselbaink.
"You're supposed to be a gnome!"
Millwall fans to Northampton's pint-sized full-back Danny Jackman.
"Sit down, Pinocchio!"
Spurs fans to Boro boss Gareth Southgate.
FOOD FOR THOUGHT
"Oh when the beans,
Come out the tin,
Oh when the beans come out the tin,
You put the bread in the toaster,
Oh when the beans come out the tin."
Birmingham fanz meanz business at West Ham.
"Andy Reid, plays left wing, he loves McDonalds and Burger King!"
Sunderland fans to their fast food hero.
"I'd rather be a sausage than an egg!"
More food fun with Birmingham fans.
"Swing low, sweet halibut!"
Grimsby supporters as news of England's win over Australia in the Rugby World Cup filters through.
GALLOWS HUMOUR
"Que sera sera,
Whatever will be, will be,
We're going to Forest Green,
Que sera sera."
Newly-relegated Wrexham fans against Hereford.
"Can we play you every week?"
Man City fans while 6-0 down to Chelsea.
"Can we play you every week?"
Man City fans while 7-0 down to Middlesbrough.
"Easy! Easy! Easy!"
Man City fans when the score reached 8-1.
"We're going down in a minute!"
Gillingham fans at Leeds.
"Who needs Mourinho, we've got Dave Pacio."
Droylsden fans get behind their manager as they finally win their first game of the season - at the 14th time of asking.
"We should have stayed at the funfair."
Watford fans after going 2-0 down to Southend.
"Let's pretend we've scored a goal!"
Bradford City fans during a 3-0 home defeat to Accrington Stanley, followed by all participants going crazy.
BEST OF THE REST
"You don't know what you're doing!"
West Brom fans after a fan had his marriage proposal accepted by his girlfriend during half-time v Sc**thorpe.
"Strawberry blond? You're having a laugh!"
Crystal Palace's ginger-haired midfielder Ben Watson gets a ribbing from QPR.
"Oh Kasper, whoah, whoh, oh,
Oh Kasper, whoah, whoh, oh,
He stands between our posts,
He's named after a ghost."
Cardiff fans to keeper Kasper Schmeichel.
"Does your livestock know you're here?"
Colchester fans to Norwich.
"Oh Moses, whoah oh-oh,
Oh Moses, whoah oh-oh,
He comes from Norbury,
He parted the Red Sea."
Victor Moses is highly rated at Crystal Palace.
"Bill Oddie, Bill Oddie, rub your beard all over my body! Bill Oddie, Bill Oddie..."
Reading fans against Derby - to the tune of Madonna's Erotica.
"We can see you washing up!"
Swindon fans to the occupants of the flats in the corners of Leyton Orient's ground.
"I love Tottenham more than you!"
Spurs fans to their loved ones back home while watching Tottenham on Valentine's Day in Prague.
"Jim Bullard, Bullard, He's better than Steve Gerrard, He's thinner than Frank Lampard, Jim Bullard, Bullard."
Fulham fans salute Jimmy Bullard.
"Are you Llanfairpwllgwyngyllgogerychwyrndrobwllllantysiliogogogoch in disguise?!"
Wrexham fans.
"Does your butler know you're here?"
West Ham to Fulham fans.
"We'll race you back to London!"
Arsenal fans to Man Utd during their 4-0 FA Cup defeat at Old Trafford.
"Can we play you every week?"
Havant & Waterlooville fans when 1-0 up against Liverpool at Anfield in the FA Cup.
"If Robin Hood was real, he'd be dead!"
Oldham supporters at Forest.
"We're the famous Tartan Army and we're here to save the snail."
Scotland fans in Paris.
"Vera's dead, Vera's dead, Vera's dead!"
West Ham fans away at Man City following the death of the character Vera Duckworth in Coronation Street.
"We can't see you sneaking out!"
Worcester City fans celebrate their abandonment at Nuneaton Borough when the floodlights failed with Nuneaton 2-0 up in the 82nd minute.
"You should have banked with The Woolwich!"
Derby fans to Northern Rock-sponsored Newcastle.
"It's neat, it's weird, it's Rafa's goatee beard!"
Liverpool fans salute Benitez's strange growth.
"You only sing at the Boat Race!"
Cambridge United fans to their Oxford counterparts.
"You should have gone Christmas shopping!"
Man City fans to Reading after going one-up.
"You only sing at your weddings!"
Hibs fans to their Gretna counterparts.
STADIUM ANNOUNCEMENTS OF THE SEASON
"The next match here at the Banks's Stadium is on New Year's Day, which this year falls on 1 January."
Walsall stadium announcer at half-time in their league match with Millwall.
"There is a no-smoking policy in all parts of the Layer Road ground. Anyone who is caught smoking will be taken away, strapped to an electric chair and electrocuted until they are dead. Thank you."
Colchester announcer at half-time against Leicester.
"There is a no-smoking policy at Layer Road. Anyone caught smoking will be taken to a darkened room, where they will be imprisoned for 27 hours and forced to listen to Will Young records for all of that time. Thank you."
Colchester announcer tops his previous effort at half-time against Crystal Palace.
"Scorer for Kilmarnock, number 16 Dick Turpin."
Fir Park announcer when Kilmarnock striker Rhian Dodds scored a last-minute winner against Motherwell in a game which the home side dominated.
"Please stand for the national anthem of the Republic of Northern Ireland."
The MC at St Mary's puts his foot in it before the start of the England Under-21 international with the Republic of Ireland.
"Can the people trying to break into the boardroom please be aware you are on CCTV."
Mansfield stadium announcer after the Stags lost to Rotherham.
"A text has come in from Leighton James. He apologises for what he said about Cardiff City and has asked that fans stop sending pizzas and taxis to his house at three in the morning. But Lee Trundle has been speaking to Leighton and has said feel free to send as many pizzas as you like to his house."
Cardiff's stadium announcer tickles the Bluebirds faithful with tales of two former Swansea City favourites.
"His wife always dreamed of a hunky fireman, but all she got was a chunky tyre-man."
Announcer at Man Utd-Villa, introducing one of the participants in the half-time penalty shoot-out.
"And now the Olympiakos team sheet...wish me luck!"
Chelsea announcer before reading out a list of players including Zewlakow, Patsatzoglou and Djordjevic.
"There's a mustard-coloured Peugeot in the car park, registration XXXXXXX. You've left your windows open. Chances are if your car is a mustard colour you want it to be nicked, but just to let you know."
Announcer before the Plymouth-Burnley match.
"If there is a qualified referee in the ground, please can he make himself known to a steward."
Half-time at Fulham v Boro after a few questionable decisions.
"Would the owner of a silver car, registration XXXXXXX - please move it immediately. If they can find it."
At a fog-bound match between Stevenage Borough and Forest Green Rovers.
"There is a taxi waiting in the car park."
(5 minutes later) "There is a greyhound tied up in the car park. We are not yet sure whether the taxi is for the greyhound!"
Histon announcer.
"Mr Coombes in L1, your wife has just gone into labour."
At Leicester v Barnsley.
"Attention please. Congratulations Mr X, you have just become a father."
At Mansfield v Middlesbrough.
"The scorer for Belper....someone wearing a yellow shirt."
Baffled stadium announcer Roger Skinner during the Colwyn Bay v Belper Town UniBond League match.
"Would the owner of vehicle number XXXXXX, please go to reception, as they have your keys and the windows are wide open. Oh and I got this message five minutes ago."
At Home Park, Plymouth.
Apparently I'm apathetic, but I couldn't care less.
"Being a Partick Thistle fan sets you apart. It means youre a free thinker. It also means your team has no money." Tim Luckhurst, The Independent, 4th December 2003
"Does your livestock know you're here?"
Colchester fans to Norwich.
Three for me, and two for them.
When Hibs, went up, to win the Scottish Cup - I wisnae there - furfuxake!
Incredible stamina. No shame. Yellow Fever.
Founder
Man Utd (Black Lace's Agadoo):
"Anderson-son-son, he's better than Kleberson,
Anderson-son-son, he's our midfield magician,
To the left to the right we'll dance the samba beat tonight,
He is class, our midfield brass, and he dumps on Fabregas!"
Leilei Gao-Gao-Gao, he's half of El**ch's weight,
Leilei Gao-Gao-Gao, there are no pies on his plate.
To the left, to the right, all other mids are in-ferior,
And when it comes to dinner time he'll have the Te-rrier.
Founder
Founder
Chester (The Outhere Brothers' Boom Boom Boom - to Simon Yeo):
"Boom, boom, boom, let me hear you say Yeo, Yeooo!"
"Let's pretend we've scored a goal!"
Bradford City fans during a 3-0 home defeat to Accrington Stanley, followed by all participants going crazy.
