Ming The Merciless - Rafa Benitez
Rafa made it into our list for Halloween last year as Jigsaw, the
villain from the Saw films, because of his penchant for baffling
and terrifying audiences (especially those from Liverpool) with his
intricate plots and tactical meddling. We would easily have just
reprinted it, because he's been doing the exact same thing all over
again (and we all know how many trophies he ended up winning last
season don't we?), but this year's major development is of course
his facial hair. Ming The Merciless from Flash Gordon would be
proud of it, as well as no doubt approving of the lack of mercy
Benitez shows towards players who don't do well. Or those who do
well. Well, all of them really.
Thor - Robbie Savage
Robbie Savage's long, flowing golden mane has been a source of fun
for football fans for years now, and as our picture shows (he's the
one on the right) it is still thriving and he still seems proud of
it, no matter how girly it makes him look. All credit to him too,
as not many great warriors from the past have been comfortable
enough with their gender issues to have long blonde hair, but Thor
The Mighty was one exception, as anyone who called him a big sissy
girl was usually crushed by his whopping great hammer.
Unfortunately, Savage hasn't proved quite so indestructible and his
recent injury news was a (ahem) hammer blow to Blackburn
Rovers.
Nien Nunb - John Terry
Who the heck is Nien Nunb we hear you ask? Renowned Star Wars geeks
Wayne Bridge and Marcus Hahnemann would certainly know, and Bridge
(who owns a stormtrooper costume) probably pointed out the
similarity to his team-mate John Terry when JT had to wear a
protective mask to cover his fractured cheekbone earlier this
month. Nunb was a co-pilot for Lando Calrissian in the attack on
the Death Star in Return Of The Jedi, and his jowlly face makes him
the spitting image of Terry in his mask. Fortunately, he can always
take it off, unlike poor Nunb, though any more blows to his face
and JT could end up looking like that permanently...
Michael Myers - Frank Lampard
Ahhh, look at those two cherubs. Aren't they cute. But beware! One
of them is a psychotic killer. Can you guess which one though? The
one on the right is Michael Myers dressed in a clown costume just
after stabbing his older sister to death in the classic movie
Halloween. He of course grew up to wear a white mask and chase his
other sister (Jamie Lee Curtis) round with a big knife. The other
cherub is Frank Lampard, dressed as a toy soldier. He grew up to
play for Chelsea and England, though judging by the malicious glint
in his eyes, Steve McClaren should probably think twice about
leaving him out of the next international team.
A Portuguese Werewolf In Hollywood - Abel Xavier
Abel Xavier spent last season in the romantic climes of
Middlesbrough, but swapped them for Los Angeles in January (as
anyone would if they were given the choice). Since then, the
Hollywood Hills have been menaced by a mysterious beast with a
fearsome yellow beard, each and every time that there has been a
full moon. Less coincidentally, the very same beast keeps on
appearing at the Home Depot Center whenever LA Galaxy are playing
there, and sabotaging their defending by charging round with wild
abandon and occasionally biting chunks off attackers' bodies. Well,
maybe we made up the last part.
Jabba The Hutt - Avram Grant
Here's another one for Wayne Bridge. Jabba is a 600-year-old Hutt
crime lord and gangster who employs a retinue of criminals, bounty
hunters, smugglers, assassins, and bodyguards to operate his
criminal empire. Avram is the 52-year-old Israeli football coach of
Chelsea. Jabba has a grim sense of humour, a bellicose laugh, an
insatiable appetite, and an affinity for gambling, slave girls, and
torture. Avram has no noticeable sense of humour, never laughs and
has an affinity for beating Manchester City 6-0. Can you see where
we're going with this?
The Puppet Master - Roman Abramovich
ANOTHER one from Chelsea? It's not that we're picking on them, they
just seem to be a bit more ghoulish and sinister than other
football clubs. And none of them are more sinister than The Puppet
Master himself. Sure, Roman might spend most of the time looking
thoroughly bored and often gormless, but you know that somewhere
down in the dark recesses of his brain, he's plotting something.
Just ask Jose Mourinho, whose departure from Stamford Bridge
earlier this season showed that his boss holds all of the puppet
strings at the club. His latest puppet, Avram The Hutt, seems to be
doing well so far, but knows that he's just another disposable toy
for his boss.
Predator - Anderson
You might think that Man United's new Brazilian midfielder only
makes our list because he has dreadlocks (his Old Trafford nickname
is apparently 'Bob' after Bob Marley) and so does the Predator, but
there's more to it than that you see. Sure, he's only 4ft tall and
comes from Brazil, but his performances in the last few weeks have
shown that he can look after himself in midfield as well as
spraying those fancy passes around, and in that respect he's got
more in common with the Predator than just the hair. We're not
saying he'd do well in battle with Arnold Schwarzenegger or an
Alien, but hey, he's pretty tough for a Brazilian.
A Krite - Sammy Lee
Poor Sammy Lee. Not only did he get sacked this month, but now
we're kicking him when he's down and comparing him to a Krite, from
the horror comedy film series Critters. But if the cap fits, and on
Lee's head it probably would. Not only is he quite small and
strangely furry, but the former Bolton Wanderers manager was also a
bit of a critter as a midfield player for Liverpool in their glory
days.
Proud to have attended the first 175 Consecutive "Home" Wellington Phoenix "A League" Games !!
The Ruf, The Ruf, The Ruf is on Fire!!
dude
that muppet looks like a monkey
