Quotes and Chants of the Week

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By Chris Charles

Listen 'er guvnor, I aint no Cockney geezer, geddit me ol' China?

"I've only been here five minutes and I'm a Cockney. How the hell am I a Cockney? I was born and reared in Ireland."
Joe Kinnear gets a kick in the market stalls after landing the Newcastle job.

"Newcastle are in a bigger mess than the US economy."
Former Magpies striker Micky Quinn puts the worldwide credit crunch into perspective.

"Joe Kinnear? More like Joke In 'Ere."
A Geordie messageboarder welcomes the new gaffer.

"Yes I did receive a two-match ban for calling a ref Coco the Clown but I'm down to one after today."
Caretaker Newcastle boss Kinnear starts his reign with a touchline ban, held over from four years ago.

"The gaffer thinks that going into his War Room is sometimes better than going on to the training pitch. And at 32 I have to agree with him."
Hull skipper Ian Ashbee reveals the Churchillian methods used by Phil Brown to plot the downfall of Arsenal.

"I'm sure the boss will have found something to moan about by Monday, while we'll be there rolling our eyes."
Ashbee gets ready to come back down to earth with a bump.

"I'm sick of the sight of him!"
Blackpool boss Simon Grayson won't be sending Freddy Eastwood a Christmas card after the Coventry striker scored against the Seasiders for the third season running.

"I'd go home and kick the cat if I could - but I haven't got one."
Doncaster boss Sean O'Driscoll is feeling a little ginger after the 2-0 home defeat by Southampton.

"I'd have paid whatever price they wanted to see a win like that!"
Derby manager Paul Jewell discovers the best tonic to ease the QPR ticket price row is to win on their own patch.

"I still have the original Superman pants... I have upgraded them so they will make an appearance when it's the right moment - and the new ones are much, much better!"
Manchester City midfielder Stephen Ireland threatens a repeat of last season's winning streak. Don't do it, Stephen - please.

"We've already got as many points as Derby had all last season and there are 32 games left. Not bad for whipping boys."
Hull boss Phil Brown revels in the Tigers' ram-raid at Arsenal.

"I don't think any team in the world would want to face Berbatov, Rooney, Tevez and Ronaldo. Unfortunately you must add the name Rob Styles to that list..."
Gary Megson lets rip after his Bolton side were well and truly Robbed following a dodgy penalty decision at Old Trafford.

"I used to promise my wife I would retire at 55. Then I got to 55 and said 'Make that 60'. Now I don't speak about it any more."
Mrs Wenger won't be going on that six-month cruise any time soon.

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Vorderman - it works for Peter Alliss

"He plays the ball better with his hands than his foot - its fantastic!"
Big Phil Scolari joins the Rory Delap fan club.

"That's 1-1 between us now, although I'm sure his mother was cheering for him and not me."
Steve Bruce gets one over son Alex as Wigan knock his boy's Ipswich side out of the League Cup. Bruce Jr was in the Tractor Boys team that beat his Dad's old side Birmingham last season.

"I like the smell in my dressing room right now - and I'm not talking about the liniment."
QPR manager Iain Dowie enjoys the sweet smell of success following the shock Carling Cup win over Aston Villa.

"He's very focused and very determined, but he's also still very young. I don't think he even shaves yet!"
Arsene Wenger on 16-year-old Jack Wilshire - one of the stars of the Arsenal 'youth team' that walloped Sheffield United 6-0 in the League Cup.

"Boxing is not brutal its an art - God has gifted me with incredible handspeed as a tool to be used - what else am I supposed to do but fight? There aint no hand racing competitions?!"
Roy Jones Jr's reply on Five Live when questioned about the conflicting nature of boxing and religion.
(Wayne Campbell, UK)

"You can't miss them, you can't miss them! Except you can and we've just seen it! Who knows? I don't know."
Graham Taylor's take on Nicolas Anelka's sitter against Manchester United.
(Paul Curtis, UK)

"It wasn't really down to bad play - it's was just a couple of silly mistakes."
Oldham's Richie Byrne gets confused about the definition of "bad play" after the Latics throw away a two-goal lead at Hartlepool.
(Mike, Oldham)

"Chairs from Ikea, You got your chairs from Ikea!"
Birmingham fans to Bristol City fans at Ashton Gate.
(Chris, England)

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A Man City supporter gets in the mood against Chelsea

"Forty quid? You're having a laugh."
Derby fans after QPR were forced to back down on putting up ticket prices.

"Forty quid? You're having a laugh."
QPR fans concur.

"One-nil to the Golden Boys!"
Watford get carried away with the 'goal that shouldn't have been' against Reading the previous week as their first shot against West Ham in the Carling Cup goes five yards wide.
(Karen, UK)

"And here's the 14th team in the Premier League..."
The Chelsea announcer at Stamford Bridge introducing Manchester United.
(Tom Lowen, England)

 hahaha ohh thats outragous!

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By Chris Charles

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Will he reveal Victoria's secret?

"I must admit I have a dressing room curiosity over Beckham. I want to see if he is equipped as he is in the underwear adverts."
AC Milan striker Marco Borriello looks forward to the arrival of Goldenballs.

"We went to Holland a couple of weeks ago and I met the goalkeeping coach at PSV. He said 'Don't worry about the goalkeeper, he is world class'. I've got to be honest, I wasn't sure if he had been drinking. I just smiled politely and said 'I'm sure he is'."
Two weeks is a long time in football as far as Heurelho Gomes is concerned - just ask Harry Redknapp, following his keeper's fine display against Man Utd.

"The reception I got at Upton Park wasn't too bad considering I now manage one of their biggest rivals. Mind you, it helped that I didn�t get out of my seat for 90 minutes."
Redknapp receives a sitting ovation at West Ham.

"You talk about Ronaldo and Messi. Is Young in that company? Yes. I've just put him in it."
Aston Villa boss Martin O'Neill refuses to put any pressure on Ashley Young.

"I stepped into the technical area and was standing in water. I tried to keep my shoes dry but it didn't work and they look ruined."
Watford boss Brendan Rodgers gets well and truly leathered during the win over Coventry.

"I pay attention to hydrating my skin properly...mangoes are a fruit that I'm crazy about, so I love the sweet and fruity fragrance of mango body butter."
Arsenal's Johan Djourou is a peach of a player.

"In this virtual world I can put myself in the shoes of my managers. But I don't always pick myself to start every game. I have to rotate my squad!"
Djourou on the ultimate selection headache when playing football games on the computer.

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Nathan's boxing clever

"Sometimes I go to bed dreaming about my next fight and wake up thinking about my next equation."
The aptly-named Commonwelth light-heavyweight champion Nathan Cleverly on juggling his boxing career with a maths degree.

"The camera was six inches from my face. My eyes are still burning from the camera flash."
John Daly attempts to justify smashing a spectator's camera into a tree at the Australian Open.

"I was bold but I wasn't unreasonable. I don't think I'll be chasing him for the money. He's a big bloke!"
Camera owner Brad Clegg is clearly a mild thing.

"You could never tell what these people are doing. Even if I was sitting having breakfast with them I would not know what they were thinking."
Sir Alex Ferguson on the FA's decision to ban Patrice Evra for four matches over last season's post-match fracas at Stamford Bridge.

"Apart from Freddie Flintoff, I don�t think they have any bowler who can get people out."
Harbhajan Singh before seeing India skittled out for 241 by England in their first innings, with five different bowlers in the wickets. The Turbanator was to have the last laugh, though.

"It leaves a nasty taste in my nostrils."
Jim Magilton has senses working overtime after Ipswich lose to Norwich in the 'Old Farm' derby.

"Backsides and opinions, we've all got them but its not always a good idea to air them in public."
Mick McCarthy when asked what he thought of Roy Keane's decision to leave Sunderland. (Paul, Wolverhampton).

"Chelsea have no width, and they are not playing in what I like to call the corners of the pitch".
Graham Taylor on 5 Live during Chelsea-West Ham. It left me wondering what everyone else would call the corners of the pitch?! (Tony Peckham, UK).

"The team just needs to stop making individual mistakes."
BBC Radio York commentator on the Histon-York City game. (Ryan, England).

"The fans expect at least three points at Celtic Park."
Shaun Maloney after Celtic's 2-0 win over Villarreal. (Martin, UK).

"That's a free-kick to Man City, and the Fulham fans are revolting."
BBC 5 Live commentator on the Fulham game last weekend. Charming! (Matt Turnbull, Ireland).

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Ner-ner-ner-ner-ner!

"Who has more chance of surviving Christmas, a turkey or Paul Ince?"
Adam Boulton (Sky News) to Andy Gray. Gray predicted Ince! (Ivan Mark Radhakrishnan, Malawi). He was wrong - Ed.

David Pleat: "Here comes the surging Brazilian right-back... he's Argentinian actually."
Clive Tyldsley: 'He's Uruguayan."
ITV commentary team. (Steve, UK).

"I'm going to get the wife to buy the club so I'll still be in a job."
Tony Adams on Portsmouth's possible sale. (Ibrar, Swansea).

"And why do you think it is that he doesn't perform as well with the lights, the cameras and the pressure?"
Hazel Irvine answers her own question about why Rory McLeod struggles for form when his snooker matches are televised. (C Stephenson, England).

"If Manchester City start spending �4000-�5000 a day on wages, then things are gonna get out of hand."
Lee Dixon on Match of The Day. This equates to �28,000-�35,000 a week - far less than the top players! (Hamid Rizvi, England).

"He's certainly had a rub of the balls this evening, but the way he's been going, who can begrudge him that?"
Terry Griffiths on McLeod's great comeback against Ronnie O'Sullivan. (Daniel Marshall, England).

"Whilst we are all looking forward to it, the game hasn't been spoken about. We're more worried about what to get each other in our Secret Santa at the moment."
Macclesfield Town's Nat Brown has more important things on his mind than a home tie with Everton in the FA Cup. (Ian S, UK).

"Chelsea keep battling on. I still believe they haven't got a Plan B, although the Plan B could involve Didier Drogba now he's returned from injury."
Make up your mind up, Lawro - have they got a plan B or not? (Guy Head, England).

"If Adelaide lose this match, I would make them paddle back to Australia."
Former Australian international Ned Zelic on Waitakere United v Adelaide United in Japan. (Jonathan, Australia). Ah, Ned Zelic - QPR legend. Ahem. Ed.

"Geovanni may have a sweet right foot but he has a head like a Toblerone."
5 Live commentator after Geovanni sends a header closer to the corner flag than the goal during the Hull-Middlesbrough game. (Ben Hatt, Cardiff).

"I think Porto will be playing 4-4-3 tonight."
TalkSport commentator obviously thinks Portuguese clubs don't use a goalkeeper! (Paul, Scotland).

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Right chant, wrong day

"You're getting sacked in the morning!"
Wigan fans to Paul Ince after Blackburn's hammering at the JJB. Rovers fans then joined in! (David King, UK). Right chant -wrong day. Ed

"You're going down with the Woolworths!"
from Ebbsfleet fans to Weymouth during their 1-0 win. (Kevin, UK).

"You're not scary anymore."
Bristol Rovers fans singing away at a rather timid Milwall. (Phil, England).

"Dimitar Berbatov, took one look at City and he said **** ***!"
Sung by Man Utd fans at White Hart Lane to the tune of Jesus Christ Superstar. (Obi, UK).

"There's only two of us singing!"
Two Torquay fans at the Setanta Shield game away at Forest Green. Glad someone found some humour in the freezing cold. (Mike, England).

"He's Agent Zola, He's taking West Ham down."
Chelsea fans v Cluj, in preparation for the West Ham match, to the tune of I Love You Baby. (Craig Wilmann, UK).

"We're all going on a European Tour" and "You're all going on a Canvey Island tour!"
Spurs fans at West Ham. (Justin, England).

"How much was your taxi fare?"
Notts county fans to Morecambe's very tiny away support. (Gareth Jones, England).

"If you appear mashed, smashed or totally plastered you will not be allowed into tonight's game."
Heard on the tannoy outside the Wellington Phoenix versus Perth Glory A league match. (Charlie Lambert, New Zealand).

"To the linesman in front of the stand, your car has been stolen. Does anyone know the number for a cab firm?"
Announcement heard at Ilford FC. (Jack, England).

"Here are the latest scores in League One - not that they matter because we are top of the league!"
At Leicester v Southend. (Alison, UK).

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By Chris Charles

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Spray it again, Kev

"It was a great result and it might stop people saying Newcastle have not won under Kevin Keegan."
Keegan after Newcastle beat Fulham to secure their first win since his return. Might, Kevin?

"Hate is a very strong word - I just despise her to the maximum level just below hate."
Former player and senior ATP official Justin Gimelstob turns on the charm while talking about Anna Kournikova in a radio interview.

"My diet was sausages - then, in no particular order, sausages, chips, sausages, toast, sausages, beans, sausages, cheese, sausages, eggs, and the occasional sausage."
So why is Marcus Trescothick nicknamed 'Banger'?

"If the Ferrari president is right about the Singapore Grand Prix being a circus, then we have to be grateful to him for providing the clowns."
Bernie Ecclestone after the Ferrari pit crew allowed Felipe Massa to exit the pit box with the fuel hose still attached.

"They are conceding more goals than you would expect them to and they are letting them in at the other end."
Former Tottenham keeper Ray Clemence on the double trouble afflicting his old club. Apparently they were having a few scored against them as well.

"Dirk Kuyt is earning himself the reputation as Anfield's Prince Harry - in the frontline for three months and no-one knows anything about it."
Sun journalist Phil Thomas on Liverpool's non-flying Dutchman.

"We were down at a corner in front of The Kop when they were singing 'You'll Never Walk Alone'. I was standing next to Gerrard and singing along with them. He looked at me like I was a weirdo!"
Havant & Waterlooville's Jamie Collins freaked out Stevie G during the FA Cup tie at Anfield. <!-- S IIMA -->

A match made in heaven

"Charles dreamt I had an affair with Steve Coppell. I said to him, 'Thanks a lot! You might have made it Mourinho!'"
Cooking goddess Nigella Lawson reveals who hubby Charles Saatchi thinks is the man of her dreams.

"Boxing is not brutal, it's an art - God has gifted me with incredible handspeed as a tool to be used - what else am I supposed to do but fight? There ain't no hand-racing competitions."
Roy Jones Jr on BBC Radio 5 Live when questioned about the conflicting nature of boxing and religion.

"KP trots around at point, looking wistfully for a patch of limelight to stand in."
Tom Fordyce during the live text commentary of New Zealand v England on the BBC website.

"I was in the laundry and I realised I was standing right next to Rafael Nadal. I didn't bother him but he was shoving all his colours and whites in together. I really wanted to say, 'Dude, you're going to have a nightmare with that'. But what can you do?"
British cyclist Jamie Staff, who won gold in the team sprint, revealed Nadal might have to buy new whites for Wimbledon next year.

"London is the sporting capital of the world. I say to the Chinese and I say to the world, ping pong is coming home."
Mayor Boris Johnson as London officially took over as Olympic host.

"Big shout from Anderson and Ambrose, but umpire Bucknor looks at the bowler as if he's just caught him stealing his pants off the washing line."
Ben Dirs' website text commentary during the third Test between England and New Zealand.

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Right, now where's those Speedos?

"I don't want to comment on who or what will take over my job at Newcastle."
Sam Allardyce after getting sacked.

"I am sure we will see pictures of Sam in his Speedos walking along a beach somewhere. That won't be a pretty sight."
Wigan manager Steve Bruce was keen for Allardyce to get another job asap.

"The only decisions I'm making at the moment are whether I have tea, coffee, toast or cornflakes in the morning."
But Big Sam had other things on his plate.

"It was the 95th minute of their usual seven minutes of injury time."
Sir Alex Ferguson was not bitter about Arsenal's late-late equaliser against Aston Villa.

Leicester fan: "It's pantomime season out there!" Leicester manager Nigel Pearson: "Oh no it isn't!"
During the Leicester-Southend match.

"The only way we will get into Europe is by ferry!"
Newcastle boss Kevin Keegan realised it wouldn't be plain sailing when he took over.

"We asked the fourth official to tell the referee to stop the game and take away the balloons - or kill them."
Manchester City boss Sven-Goran Eriksson showed his sinister side as a bunch of balloons scuppered his FA Cup dreams at Bramall Lane.

"I've got more points on my licence!"
Derby manager Paul Jewell on his side's meagre points total.

"You could literally throw a handkerchief over the 22 outfield players."
John Gregory was watching a game between matchstick men, presumably. <!-- S IIMA -->

He swears it well

"*!@!!*$!@!!"
Joe Kinnear reacquainted himself with Her Majesty's press, rattling off a world-record 52 swear words in five minutes.

"I've always believed at this time of the season you get to see people like oranges - you squeeze them and some of them tend to capitulate."
Former Watford manager Adrian Boothroyd - clearly bananas.

"For John Terry, to die on the pitch would be glory. You would need to kill him - and maybe even then he'd still play!"
Big Phil revealed a little thing like dying wouldn't get in the way of JT playing for Chelsea.

"It was a large oversight on his behalf and the players think he should have been fined double! I used to do it myself - not lap dancing, there weren't such things in my day!"
Aston Villa boss Martin O'Neill on striker John Carew's rather indiscreet visit to a "special" dancing club ahead of their Uefa Cup game with Ajax.

"We're actually thinking that Snow White can lead them out. And I'm being serious."
Celtic manager Gordon Strachan was worried his side would be dwarfed by Manchester United in the Champions League.

"Their goals were just comedy. You'd probably win �250 on Candid Camera for that second one."
Crystal Palace boss Neil Warnock on his side's generous defending in the defeat by Nottingham Forest.

"I'm very excited about this team because, and I don't know if the word exists, they are 'playerish',"
Arsenal's game against Man Utd was so good, Arsene Wenger made up a new word.

"On a great day in American electoral history, I would like to remind him of Abraham Lincoln's great quotation - 'You can fool some of the people all of the time and all of the people some of the time. But you cannot fool all of the people all of the time'."
Stoke boss Tony Pulis celebrated Barack Obama's election by giving Wenger a presidential dressing down after accusations that his side were thugs. <!-- S IIMA -->

"I'm going to a country where I'm adored!"
New Argentina boss Diego Maradona looked forward to his first game in charge - in Scotland.

"Who is Terry Butcher?"
Maradona gave the perfect riposte when asked about the 'feud' with the Scotland number two.

"They've kicked our backsides, we've got to lick our wounds..."
Steve Bruce conjured up a pleasant image following Wigan's 3-0 defeat to Arsenal.

You can't beat Sinatra. I was actually supposed to have dinner with him one night, but we lost to Charlton so I cancelled it and went home!"
Sir Alex Ferguson recalled the day he stood up Ol' Blue Eyes.

"I'd go home and kick the cat if I could - but I haven't got one."
Doncaster boss Sean O'Driscoll was feeling a little ginger after the 2-0 home defeat by Southampton. <!-- S IIMA -->

Schtop! Shomeone's shtolen my umbrella!

"It will be a once-in-a-lifetime experience that doesn't come along that often."
Steve McClaren got a bit over-excited after FC Twente drew Arsenal in the Champions League.

"We went for a walk before the game and a bird dumped right on my head. They say that can be a lucky omen - and it was!"
Barnsley manager Simon Davey after his side dumped Liverpool out of the FA Cup.

"I don't like going to bed at night with only one left-back."
Peter Taylor seemed to be getting a little too close to his new players at Wycombe.

"We know it is going to be very difficult because Mark McGhee and Scott Leitch are winners. They showed that last year by finishing third."
Aberdeen boss Jimmy Calderwood on Motherwell's coaching staff.

"The referee was punching the air when they scored."
Crystal Palace manager Neil Warnock had an uncharacteristic pop at referee Richard Beeby, accusing him of playing on until Bristol City equalised.

"It was like a UFO had landed."
Watford boss Aidy Boothroyd experienced a close encounter of the absurd kind when Stuart Attwell awarded a goal to Reading after the ball had rolled the other side of the post.

"As for the fourth official, he is a doughnut."
Gary Megson after the official's performance during Bolton v Sporting. <!-- S IIMA -->

Season's greetings, Joe!

"We've got a Mickey Mouse ref doing nothing."
Joe Kinnear crosses Martin Atkinson off his Christmas card list following Newcastle's defeat at Fulham.

"We will put in a report. I don't talk to referees. It's like complaining to your mother-in-law about your wife - it doesn't get you too far."
Mum was the word for Ulster coach Matt Williams after the Heineken Cup defeat by Harlequins.

"If the referee stands by that decision, I have two wooden legs. I will be seeing this ref again in my dreams - and I won't be kissing him!"
Former Leicester boss Ian Holloway after skipper Patrick Kisnorbo was sent off against Sheffield United.

"You know me - I always listen to referees."
Roy Keane upon receiving an FA improper conduct charge