Football Humour

"Soccer Aid 2012: England v Rest of the World" Charity Match:

One of the world's biggest regular charity matches to raise money for UNICEF involving a mixture of celebs and football greats.

Line-ups including John Bishop, Michael Sheen, Will Ferrell, Mike Myers, Roy Keane, Seaman, Sheringham, Crespo, Seedorf, Owen, Van der Saar...

Old Trafford, crowd of 67,000

 http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Soccer_Aid#2012:_Series_4

Pre-match banter & interviews with celebs John Bishop, Michael Sheen, Will Ferrell (a keen footballer in his youth who majored in Sports Broadcasting, a Chelsea and Ipswich fan)

Interviewer: "Any advice you want to give to the new guys?" 

Mike Myers: "Pee before you go out."

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8ASWjihhxyg

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ucs2ugVQj7M

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0PMwX4hRHuo

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=D7hMl4BitFI

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=w6Xs6qMa-dQ

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=wzLcbHTMm58

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=S31Ww8hT_rU

FULL MATCH:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=WwcbLnc--0c

"Pace is something that a lot of these players can remember..."

Great opening goal by Sergio Pizzorno of Kasabian rock group for Rest of the World that would look good in the Premier League (only the third celebrity to core in a Soccer Aid match). Pizzorno is Italian-born but Leicester- raised and would have preferred playing for Leicester City to being a rock star...Man of the Match award for this game.

Gordon Ramsey was stretchered off after five minutes after a crunching Sheringham tackle and was taken to hospital.

Some of the celebs are actually quite good e.g. Olly Murs (played non-league), Gordon Ramsey (Glasgow Rangers trialist until career ended by injury), John Bishop (former non-league player), Michael Sheen (scouted by Arsenal aged 12 but family unwilling to relocate to London - instead became one of Britain's greatest living actors). Aston Merrygold of boy band JLS is a former England schoolboy international. They tend to pick celebs who can play a bit. Even Mike Myers is the son of Liverpudlians who has played all his life (plays for LA team Hollywood United FC).

Woody Harrelson comes on in the last ten minutes of these games and is a football fan, though has never played much: "On June 6, 2010, Harrelson took part  in Soccer Aid 2010  at Old Trafford in Manchester. After being brought on as a substitute for Gordon Ramsay, Harrelson took the final penalty in the penalty shootout, following a 2–2 draw after 91 minutes. Despite being initially unaware of exactly from where his kick had to be taken, Harrelson scored to win the game for "The Rest of the World" team, beating England for the first time since the tournament began. When later interviewed he claimed that he "didn't even remember the moment of scoring."

Some of the former star footballers still look pretty good.

Best former pros?

Best celebrities?

Jason Manford on Neville Neville is good for a wee chuckle http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=uPNIO9pScjw 

Jose Arroganto

http://www.theguardian.com/football/2014/feb/14/jose-mourinho-managerial-spats-arsene-wenger

http://sportbox.co.nz/?p=424

ARSENAL TO ONLY PLAY ONE HALF IN FUTURE GAMES TO COMBAT SPORTS CLICHÉ SHORTAGE

POSTED BY EDITOR ON FEB 11, 2014 IN FOOTBALL | 0 COMMENTS

English Premier League club Arsenal have decided to no longer put in full 90 minute performances in an effort to combat a growing world-wide shortage of sporting clichés following their heavy use by sporting journalists over the last 12 months.

In revealing the decision on Monday, owner of a humourous first name and Arsenal club manager Arsené Wenger assured fans that the move was a “necessary step to preserve this vital resource” and that they “wouldn’t notice any discernible difference in the results the team delivers as we’ve reached that stage of the season where we drop out of the title race anyway.”

“The field of sports journalism faces an enormous crisis,” said Wenger. “The reckless use of sporting clichés such as ‘it was a game of two halves’ or ‘the whole team put in a 90 minute performance’ has lead to these phrases becoming endangered in the wild. As a sometimes leading football club, we’ve decided to take it on ourselves to help preserve these words by ensuring we avoid doing anything that will stimulate journalists to continue their thoughtless pillaging of our language.......

A favourite anecdote told by Jack Taylor, one of England's most famous referees who reffed the 1974 World Cup Final:

Taylor was hit by a flying penny thrown from the crowd as he left the pitch after reffing one Luton Town match at Kenilworth Road. It cut his face and he had to have six stitches. Fan and director of Luton Town Eric Morecambe went to see him to ask if he was OK and to make sure he wasn't going to report Luton. When Taylor confirmed he wasn't, Morecambe replied "Good, now can I have my penny back?" 

http://www.thedailymash.co.uk/sport/sport-headlines/fergsuon-to-auction-skull-collection-2014041785813

In response to Jerzy's query about Sunderland in Milan:

http://www.offthepost.info/blog/2012/03/newcastle-fan-gets-a-letter-from-the-mayor-of-milan-confirming-no-sunderland-fans-have-been-seen-there/

And the really funny part is the twitter name.  He may be coming out to NZ according to his twitter...

Well played POSH!!!!

Wonder if there is a mosh girl/ashley cole meme

Howard Webb has retired. Lots of Man Yoo jokes doing the rounds.

He's Bald, He's Red, He sleeps in Fergies bed, Howard Webb. Howard Webb

Rooney rewarded for unstinting loyalty

http://www.stuff.co.nz/entertainment/tv-radio/1038...

Needs added Ashley...

latest Private Eye -

http://www.stuff.co.nz/sport/other-sports/10519078/Strikers-goal-scoring-celebration-goes-wrong

Gazza in his prime -

http://undergroundmgzn.com/2014/10/08/islamic-state-host-2026-world-cup/

Islamic State to Host 2026 World Cup

"The Islamic State of Iraq and Syria has been selected to host the 2026 World Cup, FIFA have revealed.

The bid was decided at a star-studded ceremony in Zurich, after what observers termed a “ruthlessly well-organised, take-no-prisoners style campaign”. FIFA President Sepp Blatter has defended the selection, noting that ISIS government policy, while ‘not perfect’, meets FIFA’s required ethical standards.

“At FIFA we believe that football is a truly global game,” he said. “That’s why we’ve chosen ISIS, an up-and-coming nation in the Middle East, to host the game....”

 Brilliant!

I love some of the comments from readers beneath the piece too, such as:

 "I would not want to be a country in the group of death at this tournament."

"I can just imagine their idea of a penalty shoot out."

"ISIS team will always want it to go to sudden death ..... !"

"InFIFAdels"

"Fifa insiders are said to have long believed that fundamentalist Jihadis constituted an underdeveloped commercial opportunity. They feel this demographic segment is attractive because it has large amounts of disposable income from a variety of sources (kidnapping, theft, rich gulf Emirs), but few available forms of entertainment, none of which are considered serious competitors to association football (suicide bombing, beheadings, floggings and attending mosque)."

"I understand the world cup legacy was a big factor with innovative dual use stadia providing a space the community can come together to bury adulterers and apostates up to their neck and stone them to death."

"Free kick. In the bollocks. Throw in, another hand grenade. 

Header. Literally."

I've enjoyed the satire in Underground Magazine targeting people jumping on the "Charlie Hebdo" bandwagon:

http://undergroundmgzn.com/2015/01/09/comment-dont...

Comment: If You Don't Read My Inane Thoughts about 'Charlie Hebdo' Then the Terrorists Have Won

"I’m sure we can all agree that the murder of 12 people at the offices of Charlie Hebdo was a tragedy.

This just goes to show that journalism is the bravest profession. The response to this heinous crime now falls to the bravest members of that profession: comment-piece writers like myself.

In all honesty, if you don’t read what I – a white British middle-class non-Muslim person who doesn’t speak French and hadn’t even heard of Charlie Hebdo before Wednesday – have to think about the complex issues involved, then the terrorists have won.

That’s right. If you value freedom of speech it’s your solemn duty to read this confused mess of poorly thought-out responses that I typed out quickly for money. Otherwise I will have been silenced by terrorism and those cartoonists will have died for nothing...

....There are probably wider lessons to be learnt about this tragedy, although I have to admit I’ve got absolutely no idea what they are. If you refuse to read my opinions merely on the basis that I know nothing and I have nothing to add to the debate, then my free speech will have been silenced and the terrorists will have won...."

http://undergroundmgzn.com/2015/01/15/underground-...

Underground Magazine Executes 12 Cartoonists in Desperate Bid for Exposure

Who said there's no romance in football?

This is brilliant, the greatest British own goals as inspired by David Squires cartoon https://www.sutori.com/story/great-british-own-goa...

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=bGAJySV1ZcU&feature=youtu.be

Funniest press conference ever by a major European club manager:

Mohamed Moallim ‏@iammoallim    6 Dec 2017

Video and story:

http://www.telegraph.co.uk/football/2017/12/07/sha...

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