Parky's back... back again

Parky's back... back again

Parky asked me to post this, he's a shambles

Park Life is the Fever's finger on local football's pulse and this year we look past the boring old Central League at the throbbing, kicking, thrashing heart of football that lies underneath. Get ready for it!

Stop. Go no further. Ignore all other sauces. Here are the final league standings for the 2009 Central League.

Champions - Wilson Immigration Service United
Runners Up - The Mar
Third Place Bolters - Fiji Reserves
Disappointing Fourth - The Butt
Tumbledown Fifth - Petone Needs a Nickname
Blow Out Sixth after Leading the League and talking it up MASSIVE - Bubbles
Nothing Without Messam Seventh - Napier
Where's Your Cowan Gone Eighth - Pope's Own Manawatu Marist
Best Naki Team Ever Ninth - The Naki
No Orange Socks Last - The Oranje

And there you have it. Now you can spend your Saturdays at home by the fire.

But in case that-s not your plan for this weekend, Park Life has some hot preview action ahead. We-ve abandoned all pretence of covering every Central League game this year, and will instead for your pleasure produce weekly loads of tosh that will traverse the highest leagues and the lowest, although I (as editor in chief) can promise you that at no point will we feature News-s Naenae Nighthawks. It just won't happen News, so stop it.

This weekend though, here's some of what you can look forward to:-

Seatoun Kick Off Centenary Celebrations

The 2009 season marks Seatoun's centenary and Park Life is sure the significance won't be lost on their 8 teams scattered around Capital Football's competitions.

The Seatoun 1st team will do well not to spend too much time dwelling on history though. Known to many as the suburb that overlooks Barratt's Reef, there could be some nasty Wahine disaster flashbacks when their lungs start filling with water at Karori Park against the newly-dubbed Wharfies "Vistas".

Rumours are rife in groundskeeper circles that Seatoun are opting for a cheeky Amenity Ryegrass-New Zealand Browntop blend for the pitch at Seatoun Park this season, which they will no doubt be looking at to provide the excitement at their otherwise tedious home fixtures.

Just one such fixture is their first game of the season, at home to Wellington United's Dreamers in Capital 2. We're not sure, but we're picking Seatoun to pick up an early morale-boosting win here, as United's Dreamers struggle heavily for match fitness.

Watch out for that grass combo though. Could be the best thing going on down there tomorrow. Also watch out for a certain newly-retired football administrator to be supping a beer in the clubrooms at some stage. He might even play.

We're picking: Seatoun.

Wharfies Game Called Off After Referee Spits On, and Floods, Pitch

Just kidding Greenie.

Karori will host The Mar Yoof in the Capital Prem on a dry and perfectly manicured Karori Park fortress.

Last year when the teams met, Mal "Red Card" Impiombato knocked in a hatty in a 3-2 victory. Won't happen this time though, with Mal still smarting over getting sent off in the Hilton Petone for diving.

He's run home and is sunning it up in Melbourne, so who is going to provide the bulges for the K Town faithful? Well, rumour has it that Sam "The Washing Machine" Buckle is looking good to get on the scoreboard. His near four decades of experience should easily be a match for The Mar Yoof, although fellow thirty-mumble veteran Dave Batty will no doubt be keeping a close eye on him.

Wharfies' match programme, full of blank pages after a shambolic performance in the programme writing by El Grap, will tell you that stoic defender Mike McKinlay will provide a rock at the back, and keeper Mark Fulcher will be hard to beat (has he been cleared or what?).

Look out for Keeno to provide a healthy contribution to the Wharf bar on Saturday, and a few excuses on Monday.

We’re picking: The Mar, and a Batty double.

Jamie Milne Playing Up Front = Genius

After a hugely promising start to the Capital Premier League in 2008, Island Bay United had to be disappointed at the manner in which they finished last season, especially with results like Karori cruising to a waterslide 8-1 victory.

With last year's successful Reserve Team coach George Aranyi now at the helm, the South Coast club will be looking to play structured and tactically disciplined football, with a solid defence and a plethora of midfield talent available to them (note: puff-piece alert).

With top scorer Hicham Kamri having departed to Wellington United for a reported "Triple-Bag" sum of cash, the goal scoring responsibilities will fall on the likes of Ian Patterson, Luciano Collucci, and self-proclaimed striking solution Jamie "Not Just a Centre Back" Milne.

Island Bay United will be looking to make Wakefield Park a fortress this season, but have to put up with their first game being on the road at the infamous Redwood Park. Tawa, fresh from blowing up Bubbles in this year's edition of the Davis Trading Tournament For The Could We Make The Name Any Longer If We Tried Hilton Petone Cup Tournament Trophy, will be looking to get their much-awaiting season underway with a win at home. They have recruited busily, pinching a couple off next-door neighbours Wilson United, and enticing Voice Of The Game Jason Pine out of retirement. Pine is a Park Life journalist's dream, offering not only Pine:Tall Timber (geddit?) gags, but also Pine:Timbre gags because of his sultry, husky, arousing radio voice.

Pine failed to return Park Life's calls for an interview, but we kept ringing anyway, just to hear his voice on his voicemail. So hot right now.

We're picking: Who cares, off to the shower. But watch for Granville to develop a back injury as he fetches the ball repeatedly out of the Island Bay Fishing Net. Milne to pinch a consolation goal, and celebrate it like he's won the Lotto.

Local Derby: Foreman in the Blue versus Ali in the Yellow and Green

This week's pick of the viewing sees last year's 2nd placed team, Petone, host last year's 3rd placed team, Lower Hutt at Memorial Park.

These two were involved in last year's rumble in the jungle, when an all in brawl erupted at Bell Park.

With Rod Maze out injured, Miguel also broken, and star Chilean striker Niko (who flew in last Thursday and flew out Friday on family matters) unavailable this looks to be a tough week for Hutt. They will be bolstered then by the surprise availability of both Luis Corrales and Pedro Garcias, who have mysteriously not been suspended following the end of the last Central League. Apparently a team card was lost by the referee. As the Conchords say: "don't you hate it when that happens!".

Petone are in a different boat this year.

Even the omniscient Park Life, who as you all know is seldom wrong, was surprised last year with Petone's ability to move straight up from Premier to Central League and challenge for the title. With pretty much the same team as last year and nothing more than a glimmer of hope that Yellow Fever TeeDub pair Barron and Whalen will play at all this looks to be a harder year for Fozzie's Fellas.

We’re picking: A healthy battle with Lower Hutt pipping Petone at the far post.

Who Needs to Funny This Up? It's Hilarious Already

After a disappointing season in 2008, much of Wellington United's off season was spent lobbying the Chairman for new orange socks...and...umm...oh yeah: assembling a stronger squad.

Playing stocks from Wests, Stop Out, Island Bay, Petone, Miramar, Marist, Iceland, Holland, and Brazil were raped and pillaged, with 50 odd players regularly turning out for pre-season trainings.

Granville remained unwanted.

The Oranje hope to have strengthened their defence that was almost as leaky as Karori Park last year. Although losing centre back Ed "The Locks" Perryman to Tardland, signing Trent Watson from Stop Out should go a long way to reducing the chiropractic bill for their custodian Dale "2ndBest" Warburton.

On paper, Diamonds 09 edition should be a better team than last year's and they will be looking to join the also-rans in the middle of table.

And We Even Cover Masters

Wharfies Fabulous Turtles kick off their 2009 campaign this week playing North Wellington's Nameless top masters team in the ever-exciting Masters 1 league at a surprisingly dry and playable Karori Park.

The Turtles have recruited heavily in the off season after many of last year's dinosaurs died, or went in to retirement (is there a difference?).

New this year are the likes of Alex the Italian-American, who runs like, and sounds like, Buzz Lightyear. Also joining the team is new Brighton and Hove Albion-supporting hatchet man Mike. Mike prefers to keep his surname secret from Park Life's readers (and referees, and opposition players). Bring your shin pads.

Back from last year's edition is ever-present midfield general Lloyd O'Keefe (the Stacey Jones of Masters Footy), Wide Out Wal with his silky skills, and grumpy referee-baiting Gordon.

North Wellington's team at the time of printing were entirely unknown, but if the age of their 1st Team is anything to go by there had better be hospital facilities nearby.

We’re picking: a niggly affair, a controversial penalty, and possibly a slightly embarrassing old-man bitch fight. And the Turtles to win by 3.

Cheap Hubcaps For Sale.

From the scenic hillside suburb of Naenae comes this season's Capital Premier newcomers. Nestled in alp like settings with a delightful brook, and the odd burglar, running down one side is Naenae Park, Wellington's own answer to Douglas Field and Maine Road.

A lot of how Naenae performs this winter will depend on the ability of the returning Scouse Mafia to fire at the next level up. Paul Wheeler and Jamie Henders are back from the tropical wilds of North West England and will need to transfer the form they showed last season in dominating Capital One to the Champs Premier League.

They will be supported by the never-say-die legs of Culture Kicks Team Sudan and Captain Simon Hall, and the always-say-die legs of Matt Henderson and Sammy Stevens.

Look out for a good atmosphere in the cosy clubrooms afterwards, a pitch without a surf rescue team, and your car up on blocks aftewards.

BYO black Holden.

We're picking: a 3-5 year stretch if caught.

Mafia vs. Bumpkins

This weekend sees holders Miramafia Rangers host New Plymouth's Team Taranaki at Farrington Field.

The build up to this one has seen Taranaki talk themselves up in the papers and on Stuff.co.nz even more than woefully misguided, and horribly ill-informed, Wairarapa journalists.

Miramar, meanwhile, have had to deal with player release dramas on the final day before the game, and a blow out with their kit supplier that has left them gear-less. That means this game provides a decent chance for the Naki to snatch something - possibly a bit of naked Chote tackle.

It won't happen though as a strong Miramar side boasting (sort of) new players such as Michael White, Wiremu Patariki and Bryan Little will show far too much panache for New Plymouth's "best". Jamie Farrington and Allen Chote are made of glass, and so doubtful with injuries, but the rest of the Mafia's solid crew should do the business.

Taranaki do have new players coming in but some are young and probably won't outweigh the players they have lost for this season, unless we're talking kilos with the big and old Greg Clarke returning from Auckland. They do however have a new coach, Ian McGrath, an ex-professional and successful college coach at Francis Douglas.

We're picking: Miramar to wear something, please, anything, just cover it all up. Naki to get hammered, both at the ground, and in the bus on the way home.

Bubbles Blow Pope's Own Away

The first away trip for any of the Wellington teams in this year's Central League sees the Greeks roll up to Palmy to play the Pope's Own Manawatu Marist.
Park Life's staggering lack of knowledge about the Pope's Own movements this preseason is matched only by our frustration at having to proof read and correct our contributors' articles.

Honestly, you have no idea what we go through.

But we digress. Park Life predicts a long season for the Pope's Own with the loss of last year's central league star Cowen to Fiji and the loss of young starlet Finn "Or is it Dom?" Milne to Wilson United the Bubbles should enjoy an easy walk at Palmy Memorial.

The Bubbles on the other hand have had an interesting start to the season. Where interesting = expensive.

Having made it through to the final of Longest-Named Tournament in the World Ever the season looked like starting off well. Then the wheels started to wobble.
The loss of Sasha Nathu to Fiji and the disappearance of Tahl Theodouru looked to unsettle the bubbles one week out. The wheels have been tightened again though with the inclusion of Shaun "am I am playing, am I coaching?" Easthope and the return of the pink-shirt wearing barely-literate goalkeeper The Referee Van Hattum.

After a draw and a win against Wilson United and The Mar respectively Park Life is expecting Big Bucks Raf and the Bubbles to cruise it in the Manawatu.

We're picking: Bubbles to win easily, like they will most weeks until about half way through the season.

And that's a wrap for this season's Park Life. Well, this week's anyway.

Get into it.

Park Life

pine is playing capital 2 v miramar - and his name is on the team list for a game at the opening of narnville.

Parky wrong ?
 
That's never happened before ?

well, it was on the team list

now its only his husky, dusky voice for the pregame ceremonies

dont forget to take this..

no need. Gonna wait until back at Newtown.

Thanks Righstr,

I have sub-edited, and the final version that would have gone to print is now below.

I have tracked the changes so that everyone can see the hard yards we go through to make Park Life what it is.

Good luck today everyone.

Parky.

PL if i didn't know better I would say that your changes above stem from disappointment that your recent attempt at kingmaking was such a pathetic miserable failure. But since I do know better that's clearly not the case.

Parky doesn't bite as quickly as I do you tease :-)

do we get reviews this year?

After your previews last week, you'll be lucky to get anything more this season...

Easter. For many it is a celebration of the resurrection of Christ. It's the end of Lent, so people (like Ginger Eeejit) can get on the booze (win or lose) again.

For others, awful pagans that they are, it's all about football. Double headers even. And while watching Central League can be similar in some respects to eternal damnation in the fiery pits of hell (I refer you to last week's Wellington United-Wairarapa United clash at Centennial) it is, at least, better than being at work.

Park Life is Fever's own multiple-personality Jesus, football's Lord and saviour. We have bestowed Easter Eggs upon the world so as to sate the unstoppable hunger of Hard News, and we have bestowed the Lower Leagues upon the world to spice up our weekly previews.

We are also Fever's finger on local football's sugar-rushed pulse, and this week, we talk more bollocks than we ever have before in our Easter Bumper Bollocks Edition.

Let's Start At the Bottom and Work Our Way Up - Masters 1

Last week, Parky covered Masters footy for the first time in our history. We got such a great response (readership went from 5 to 6) that we thought we'd do it all again.

And so we start, with Wharfies' ironically-named Fabulous Turtles' trip to Crawford Wembley.

Following the Fabulous Turtles' 2nd half inept display against the Villa at the still-dry Karori Aquadrome in last week's opening round, the headless wonders will this week take up the challenge of the mighty Seatoun.

The light blues will undoubtedly have their fair share of cynical ex-National League try hards looking to roll back the years by spreading the ball far and wide while the helpless Turtles shuffle from side to side to retain some sense of shape and purpose.

Evergreen Bruce Walker shouldn't be troubled (Park Life warning: in-joke).

GT, the Turtles' inspirational captain, manager, coach, scout (boy scout, that is) and chief co-ordinator, will again be looking to lead by example in the new look 09 Turtles. If only he had an once of ability.

A lot will be expected again of Buzz Lightyear who in hindsight has more similarities to Mr Potato Man - being less "To Infinity and Beyond" and more "mashed". Gordie the infamous smelly sock (bing bong, in joke) will lead the sledging fight up front and Wal (the only gentleman left playing Masters footy) will be expected to provide the creativity in midfield once again.

It will fall to aggressive midget hatchet-wielding midfielder O'Keefe to provide the midfield defensive rock. Last season in this fixture O'Keefe - only 4 foot 3 despite claiming to be a massive 5 foot 6 - managed to break the ribs of his opposite number in midfield.

Now, Park Life accepts that at this age players have brittle bones and can't take the hits, but having one's ribs snapped by a lippy little grandpa must have been tough to take. Expect a revenge-killing in this match for sure.

We're picking: O'Keefe off to hospital. A private one of course, he is from Whitby. Turtles to prevail 2-0.

Pints vs Legends - Capital 16

Has any pitch ever been more misnamed than Happy Valley? Can anyone tell Parky just what is happy about it?

Anyway, this weekend sees the Valley play host to the famous, at least to their wives, BNU Pints and the less famous Wellington United Legends. The Legends come off a home loss against the worst-named team in Capital Football. Honestly, in the entire history of Capital Football and all the many divisions of the game in Wellington is there are more embarrassing, shameful, lamentable name than the Karori Kittenz?

There is an upside, however. It leaves the door wide open for Park Life to wonder whether the Pints are looking forward to spending their Easter weekend running around Happy Valley chasing some mangy pussy.

Puerile, no doubt, but also amusing.

The Kittenz (why the 'z'?) will be looking to bounce back at the South Coast's true home of football from last week's sad defeat. Big Eddy Kane was unlucky not to score with a glancing diving header against the Naenae Nighthawks last week in a game where they dominated all facets of the game in a 2-0 loss. The Pints will be looking to Eddy, the Offbeats and new Spanish import Miguel to get a win on the board.

We're picking - plenty off pre-match lagers for both teams to help them forget they are stuck at Happy Valley.

Naenae Imports Roll On

Naenae will be looking to retain their perfect record in the Champs Capital Premier League when they travel south to the posh suburb of Karori.

The Wharfies will be keeping a close eye on their lattes and chinos, but also on scouser Jamie Henders, who thieved a brace of goals last week in Naenae's season opening win. Wharfies will be going into the game with an unchanged, and probably hung over, line up - but will be desperate to notch their first goal of the campaign after last week's scoreless draw.

Keep an eye out for creatine-soaked Michael Greene, who gave up the gym for lent but is still packing extra cannons and a hilarious running style.

We're picking: a Karori win, the local police station to be kept busy, and Fat Boy Hard News to turn up to heckle Greene in the newly mobilised, and Pancake-free Fever Mercedes.

Meanwhile, in the Islands

The Miramar Marsipans enjoy a scenic trip over the Rimutakas to Fiji on Friday - both teams having come through week one with three points. Keinzley has his team fine tuned this year - and will be looking to import Adam Cowan to provide a spark. Word is the team has even recorded a song that is played on local radio - the Rapa Rap feat. MC Rabo.

The Mar may welcome back club stalwart Jamie 'Glass Bones' Farrington following his 19th cortisone injection in the last 12 days. Sicknote Chote may also be available depending on: a thigh scan, the temperature of his morning tea, the Tanzanian rate of inflation, and the size of the swell at Lyall Bay. Otherwise it will be the same squad that gets paid less in a season than Adam Cowan does in a week - at least if you believe what you read in the papers.

Kamakaze Keichi Nguyen completed a game high 74 tackles last week and will be looking to continue his fine form in this game which, despite speculation that Wairarapa were considering playing it at home in Suva to save money on player travel, will in fact be played in Masterton.

We're picking: Miramar with a bit of a hill to climb, Rapa sneaking home in a tight one nil win. MC Rabo to take the rural airwaves by storm. Keinzley to fabricate another newspaper article on behalf of the Wairarapa Times Age.

Even more Mafia...

In the second half of the weekend Miramafia return home to face Lower Butt at Davey F on Easter Monday. The tough second game of the double header so early in the season may come down to fitness, both physical and mental.

These two teams will certainly have a good deal of the physical kind, but Miramar may edge Lower Hutt in the mental department if last weekend is any indication.

The Butt's danger man is no doubt Luis Corrales, Mafia will be hoping he has one of his "can't be arsed days". A real possibility after they got smoked by cross-Hutt rivals Petone last weekend. Rangers will need the most out of their nucleus of experience and need to firm up at the back.

We're picking: This match could hinge on who rises most like Jesus did around this time a couple thousand years ago, and we think the Judas of player payments G Little will lead his men to victory, and Easter eggs.

In Division 12 We're Coming Out of Upper Butt

As the Valley Oranges travel to Wilton Wembley to take on the largest team in the land, the Waterside Karori Tonners.

Both teams will be eager for a win after last week's 1-1 draw at Trentham; a match that somewhat resembled a 1981 World Cup qualifying game...

Upper Hutt, a side largely composed of players from around South East Asia, gave the Tonners a torrid time with their speed and skill and took the lead from a dodgy penalty awarded by the adopted son of a Kuwaiti Sheik.

The Tonners equalised from a Kevin Fallon inspired set piece. Shaven headed Geezer, doing an admirable Duncan Cole impersonation, hurled a massive Rory Delap-stype long throw which was flicked on by heavily-mulletted Big 'Brian Turner' Dunc and finished off by Reg 'Buzzer Mackay' 22.

The match also featured a skirmish involving Robert Ironside (not 1981 vintage, but hey...).

The exchange of words in the skirmish went something like this:

Small Upper Hutt man" you're a F@#$%ING C@#$%T, I'll have you.
Massive Tonner: ah ha, little man, you make me chuckle.
Small Upper Hutt man: maybe you're right, hmmm, sorry.

Expect the Tonners to be more competitive this week as a result of sweating several hundred kilos in last week's match.

Best not do that on Karori Park lads, hundreds could drown.

Even Eastbourne gets a mention! Capital 4

The tenacious naked mole rat (also known as the sand puppy or desert mole rat) is known for a unique set of physical traits that helps it thrive in a harsh, sandy environment.

Eastbourne's Bishop Park is a naked mole rat's paradise but clearly the home team needs to work on exploiting their environs if they are to avenge last week's home defeat to Uni Scarfies. Eastbourne will be disappointed with their loss and will need to lift their game if they don't want to return from Happy Valley...um...unhappy...after their clash with BNU.

It's early in the season but Eastbourne will want to return home with something from the long drive to Misery Field. If unsuccessful they could see themselves falling off the pace quicker than their houses fall off the Eastbourne Hills.

Both Uni Scarfies (2008 5th Round 1 & 2) and BNU (2008 7th Round 1, 6th Round 2) were mid-tablers last year in this division and Eastbourne dropped from Cap 3 last year. Eastbourne lost to Scarfies last week, and on paper Uni were consistently better than BNU last season. BNU however beat Petone last week, so we could pick them by a nose on confidence and home ground advantage.

However all of that would discount the "Lower Division Lottery Factor" that results from so many teams undergoing so much turmoil between seasons.

The truth is, we have no idea, but you knew that.

We're picking: Eastbourne Mole Rats to travel better than they go at home.

Weakest Contribution of the Week

Island Bay Reserve Team keeper Granville postponed his chiropractor appointment another week on Saturday by keeping a clean sheet against highly fancied Tawa. Island Bay United will be hoping for another strong performance (and bobboltontawa's favourite assistant referee) this Easter weekend as they take on Lower Hutt at Wakefield on the Saturday and then travel to the Raceway to take on newly-relegated Stop Out on the Monday.

We're picking: this correspondent to get a kick in the bollocks for providing us with just one pathetic paragraph. Maybe they should give it up and stick to keeping. Or maybe not.

Petone Ressies in First Away Trip, Ever

It will be hugs from mum at the carpark beforehand and travel-sickness tablets all round as the Petone Creche Club visit scary Wakefield Park in this squad's first ever game away from home.

Petone will have to manage without the wise head and years of experience of 15 year old Sam Pickering, a team stalwart, who isn't old enough to drive yet so had to go away with mum to a wedding instead of being available to play. That might bring other children like Nick Edginton and Joey McIndoe into the mix. Both of those players featured the last time these two teams met, in this year's Hilton Petone, where the home team won out.

Island Bay will be itching to balance the ledger at home. They are a sharp contrast to Petone's youth, with many a man eligible to step into Masters but hanging in there to fill up the 2nd team for the club. This one will be a case study in youth versus experience and could come down to the conditions, with the youngsters more likely to flourish in the warm and dry and the elderly probably fancying themselves in a larry long ball slosh-fest.

We're picking: Looking out today's window it could be a tough weekend for the Teen Team.

Speaking of win or lose, on the booze (TM)

The Division 7 juggernaut that is the Waterside Karori Magpie 'n' Pints has stormed back into this new season stronger than ever. After reeling off 10 consecutive wins to end last season, the Pies opened their new campaign with a comfortable 7-0 win over the local rivals the Aces at fortress (complete with mote) KP.

The Pies now look ahead to the game against Uni Stallions at Nairnville Park, the last team to beat the Pies in an official game in the corresponding fixture last season. The Pies' squad will be severely depleted for the game due to Easter holidays - the loss of Jimmy 'The Feet' McPheat and Dave Taylor, who got a brace each in the opening game, will probably hurt the most, but the Pies have assembled a strong and deep squad that even in such trying circumstances is well capable of taking revenge on the Stallions.

We're picking: Evald to do a marginally better job of the programme this week, and the Pies to go down under the hefty onslaught of the Stallions.

And let's finish where we started, in Masters...

With 2 trophies already secured during pre-season the Tawa Vets were primed for the start of the season against Seatoun last week and looked to have got off to a winning start when they went ahead with 10 to go only to take the foot off the gas and concede a late equaliser.

This week they return home (sort of) to Kura Street to take on last year's high flyers Wainui who carried on from last year by downing Hard News' Naenae mob 4-2 and then, rubbing salt into the wounds, forced them to trudge back to Naenae for a cold one as the Wainui clubrooms were closed (and probably on fire and stolen -Ed.).

Those club rooms will be humming this week though as Wainui celebrate 50 years of football in the cradle of the game that is Wainuiomata. One of a number of clubs celebrating significant milestones this season Wainui's celebrations were, as we went to print, 'still being developed' according to their website despite them kicking off on the weekend.

The website also reveals a small scandal: who knew that other club stalwarts like Graham Watson and Joe Carlin were Wainui-til-they-die!

Check it out here: Wainui FC Website

And that's it...

For a bright and early edition of short-week Park Life. Thank you to our staff of roving reporters.

Our thought for the day: why can't we have Playboy bunnies at Easter?

Also, get onto Fever's Club Championship. Leaders after week one were Naenae. Check out www.yellowfever.co.nz to see who will be crowned this year's Most Winningest Football Club in Wellington. It's awesome.

Park Life

Preview on a tuesday? WTF?

busy week for lawers this week

Hey can you include a piece now and again about the womens premier league please....

and I'll edit it

I'm following my kids this year so thats why I asked, and there are far too many younger players that I cannot keep up with anymore

I spoke to Parky and he/she said they would love to get into wimmins football... but it needs someone (other than feverish) to do some scouting for himher.

what's wrong with Feverish doing it?

I can - but it just wont contain humour about fictitious payments.

me

no early preview this week?

FIXED.

yeah! wheres the parky preview!! in lieu of interesting reading i am having to do some work here!

All good things to those who wait.  Preview on its way.

and BOOM: http://www.yellowfever.co.nz/show-news.asp?ID=3701

Park Life is the Fever's surprisingly on time (these days) take on local football (and skateboarding) in the Greater

Wellington region - including Horowhenua-Kapiti this week. However we make no representation as to future timeliness.

Paekakariki vs Waikanae

You'll be able to cut the air with a Ginsu 2000 when Paekakariki host the Waikanae Reserves in Horowhenua's SH1 derby this weekend.

Campbell Park is no stranger to tension of late, with the local Community Board stirring up locals with its plans for a skate park at the ground. The only young larrikins there on Saturday however will be the tyros of Waikanae Ressies trying for an upset. There won't be any time for popping mad ollies or busting sick Benihanas though if Waikanae want a shot at taking a point or three back up SH1.

With Paekak coming off a surprise win against Seatoun in the Chatham Cup, and Waikanae's first team losing to Aston's spastic brother Douglas (Villa) in the same competition last weekend, you'd have to back Paekak to put the hurt on the Reserves.

We're picking: You can be as confident of a Paekak win as Parklife is confident that a Caballerial is a 360 backside ollie from fakie.

Editorial note: possibly the funniest line in Park Life ever. Good work this correspondent!

Wharfies vs Carnie's Kids

Wharfies take on Lower Hutt's second team (Carnie's Kids) at Bell Park on Saturday, with both teams keen to bounce back from horrendous morale sapping and slightly embarassing losses (well, Karori's was) at Easter.

Look for a good battle between Wellington Phoenix's own Mal "No one can spell my name" Impiombato, and Ruben "Drummond" Basen - who will be launching more missiles than a Somalian pirate (boom boom).

Goals have been hard to come by for Karori, but perhaps this might be the game where Jimmy "Over The" Hill reclaims his goal scoring prowess. Or perhaps not. Watch out for Mal diving all over the shop like he did in the Hilton Petone and Greenie coming off the bench for some bobsled practice. If it's raining Carnie, wear double shin guards.

Lower Hutt's Central League team have no game til Sunday so it could well be that the team of young fledglings (and Carney and Rubes) will be bolstered by some experienced first teamers.

We're picking: a 2-1 Karori win followed by a bender. Or, a Karori loss, also followed by a bender. Whichever way it goes, there's a bender in there. After all...win or lose...

Petone Reserves Roll On at Home

Petone's Reserve Team coach Guy Smith has been spouting off all week about his team's valiant win over Olympic's Reserves on Monday at Memorial while at the same time completely ignoring their capitulation to Island Bay just 48 hours earlier.

Smith's Kids have another tricky home fixture this weekend against Karori's Dreamers, or is that their second team?

The Dreamers have had a poor start to the season with a run of three losses, and sit second to bottom above Stokes Valley (who have a game in hand). They will be hoping to raise those creaking bones to a canter at Memorial and notch their first win of the season. Rumour has it that Greenie, already re-graded, may feature.

The Kids are likely to have a fairly unchanged lineup from the previous weekend, depending on the fitness of the first team squad at training on Thursday. They will be looking to midfield maestro and Messi look-a-like Leon Alexander to weave some magic again like he did against the Greeks, and enforcer Adam Faulkener to compete with Greenie in the bobsled stakes.

Petone's most dangerous weapon though is certainly hat-trick hero Sam Nobbs who has more tools in his tool kit than a knife from his homeland. He also runs all day and doesn't mind flattening the odd defender for fun. Genius. Watch out for his terrifying forward pairing with Angus "The Schoolboy Saskwatch" Milne.

We're picking: Petone 3-0.

Oranje Titanic Meets Wilson Iceburg

To more important (or is that predictable? -Ed.) games. "Soon to be relegated" Wellington United play host to Wilson United on Saturday.

The Oranje welcome back a number of players into the mix and will look to build on their improved performances over the Easter break. Diamonds were one of the movers and shakers over the weekend, going from 10th to 9th in the Big Travel League with a ludicrous 3-3 draw with Olympic. This has thrown a spanner into the works for Smithy's regular Total Advert Show appearance, where he was due to proclaim that United would remain at the foot of the table for the rest of the season. Re-writes, back peddling, and excuse making, are ongoing.

The Wilsons will be eyeing up another schlacking to maintain their 100% record. Another Moss-esque performance from 2ndBest (the likes at which Granville can, and does, only dream about) may be required if the Oranje are to get anything from the game.

In menu news, ham, cheese and tomatoes rolls were such a hit last weekend that they will again be on the menu for the post-match function. Mmm tasty. To save trees and avoid doubling-up, West's packed lunch will be served in a brown paper bag with a pretty green dollar painted on the side. Similar to the ones the Oranje use to pay their relegation-bound players.

You'd think with this season's extra cash that even student Chris Chang could afford a haircut.

We're picking: Something between 2 and 5 for the visiting team. Nothing but a payday for the home side.

Miramafia Rangers Blow Bubbles

The Central League Match of the Day (apparently) is the Mafia at home to the Bubbles. The classic Wellington City derby will be fuelled by Olympic's win over Miramar in pre-season, and also Olympic's poor start to the season with 3 draws as opposed to Rangers' 3 wins.

Olympic unsurprisingly have already found themselves in the controversial spotlight with poor etiquette slash brain explosions this season.

If news from the souvlaki-vine is to be believed, Churchie has requested to be paid in Toy World vouchers this week so he can replace the ones he broke in his post-game temper-tantrum at Newtown Park over the long weekend. Negotiations continue but have been hampered by the fact that he has refused to come out of the changing room at Newtown Park where he continues to sulk.

Olympic has a bad habit of turning on themselves and letting bickering get in the way of how good they can be. If history repeats then Miramar could giggle their way to a win as the Bubbles self destruct.

Or the Greeks could finally play properly and notch a first league win in 40 years against the Mar at Farrington Field (note: 40 years unconfirmed).

Rangers' hot form going forward has not been matched by their defence so far this season. Olympic have goal scorers in Jimmy DaxWax and George Barb with two each but even combined they don't compare to Dom Rowe with 6 already this season.

However, while the Mar are the league's top scorers they are also throwing them in like nobody's business. Wilson Suburbs have not been scored against atop the table and if Miramar want to challenge them this year then they need serious changes at the defensive end.

Little G must have had it up to his ears (although that's not very much really -Ed) of having to score 4 or 5 to win games, even though it makes for exciting football.

In the key goalkeeping position Michael Utting is fresh outa KFC and into the fish and chip shop deep frying his way through the Central League at a tasty 120kgs while Mystery Illness Van Hattum sits on the bench posting on the forum from his pink iPhone. Dylan Hall at the other end is still only 100 kegs.

We're picking: If Mar can tighten up the back end then they should beat the Greeks hands down.

Meanwhile in Capital Premier

Rock bottom Wilson Suburbs Reserves host Catch Of The Day Island Bay United at Endeavour Park on Sunday to show Wellington football that it's not important whether you win or lose, but that you have a good enough first team squad to bail you out once the sh*t hits the fan.

The Sharks came through a gruelling Easter weekend with two wins and several broken in cars from the visit to Hutt Park. Training this week included pool sessions to help with muscle recovery and to simulate playing conditions for the eventual visit to Karori Park later in the season.

Western Suburbs will be relying on New Zealand Under 20 representative goalkeeper Jacob Gleeson to have any hope of getting anything out of this game. Island Bay United will be relying on New Zealand permanent resident goalkeeper David Plowright to just turn up.

In other news, Island Bay United have asked Olympic to come up with some sketches for a new clubroom design. Apparently, the Greeks are specialists at drawing. BOOM!

We're picking: Island Bay to win handsomly, and then get battered in the next round by Jack Pelter and Charlize Theron.

Both sides of the story... Capital nine top of the table clash

The Oranje Salmon have been swimming around these parts for years - originally under the moniker 'Steve Austins' (thank heavens it was pre-Kingz, otherwise the Steve Austinz may have challenged even the Kittenz for the most absurd name in Capital Football).

The Naenae Hypocrites walked last year's Capital 10 as a new side filled with players who at one stage in their careers played first team at various clubs around Wellington (and in Richard Lilyston a man who played in the Capital Premier League as recently as Monday).

These two teams meet this weekend at McAlister Park in the Cap 9 top of the table clash.

The Salmon once had the perfect team for the volatile folly of the lawless lower divs; two lawyers, a reporter and a kick boxing custodian. These days they are a slightly more aged and cultured lot including an award winning playwright poached from the Waterside Nomads, a brick sh*thouse Assyrian goalkeeper with a Mal Meninga-esque goal kick and a highly strung skipper chasing an improbable hat trick of hat tricks in 2009.

Fresh off the back of a 9-3 thumping of an abject Petone the Salmon are confident of giving newly promoted Naenae Hypocrites a run for their money.

The Hypocrites last match against Marist Skins was a 5 -1 win. Although the score line was pretty flattering for the Naenae side, as the Skins were one of the best all round footballing sides the Hypocrites have faced. As usual Aaron Taylor and Rob Mallon lead the scoring while Tony King and 'Lils' walked around ordering people about.

The game was played in good spirits, no bad tackles and not too many, "aw Ref's!!". It's not always said but the Skins were a good bunch of lads. This week it's all about the Salmon, let's go fishing boys!!

We're picking: The rest home residents across the road from MacAlister Park have been warned to lock their doors in expectation of a visit from the Naenae side, but nonetheless Naenae likely to take home the silverwear.

  Smithy2009-04-17 09:53:14

make sure you click on the links! funny stuff

Run this as a "Fiver" style email Greenie

love the preview, as wayward and mis informed as it is, love the links. nice change up.

Good idea - see above in 5, 4, 3, 2, ...