Parky's back... back again

Cos some people can�t take a joke/ criticism

And because we didn�t have the time to spend spell checking your submissions

Councillor John Morrison (John is the Recreation 'Portfolio Leader' on WCC) has sculpted a reply to Parky�s recent guns-blazing editorial. Have a read (wonder if they are going to fence Nairnville now?). Personally I think they need to be more vocal on the 10 year plan details � as the last meeting I went to made it a rather clouded subject. Anyway, here it is (with original editorial underneath) in typical tongue-in-cheek Parky style�

As much as I would rather not, on behalf of a bunch of incensed Council staff

and football administrators I feel I have to respond to Park Life - Half a

Pitch is Not Better Than No Pitch.

What an extraordinary load of absolute drivel!

Yes we all agree there is an increasingly desperate need for more football

pitches in the city. Perhaps that's why the Mayor and City Councillors have

just voted to spend $10 million over the next decade to build six full-size

artificial pitches in various parts of the city. (Hopefully if I get my way we

will build a good deal more than this but for the moment this is the

committment). That's right they've had the guts to make this call in the middle

of a recession, they've risked the wrath of the ratepayers who'll have to find

the money to help fund this building programme so all the 99.9% of wonderful

footballers of the city along with the whining whinging author of Half a Pitch

can have some nice all weather surfaces to play on.

Oh and by the way we are also building a 12-court indoor community stadium which

will have 95% occupancy from day one. Users include 28 sporting codes and in

excess of 100 schools. This is after ten years of arguing with the 'stop

everything' brigade and endless legal and political challenges.

Now let's address all the shrieking and moaning about Nairnville. It was built

as a pilot pitch. Yes if you measure it (I'm sure your anonymous author will

know how to grab a tape measure and pull the end hard) you will find it's not

full size - but it's 85 metres x 49 metres - hardly half a pitch. Has this

stopped it being of use to the football fraternity, has this been a disaster,

has this denied an opportunity for thousands of kids to play, has this stopped

it being so heavily booked we need a monitor to stop overload --- no it hasn't!

It's been a staggering success and that is plainly obvious to all in the

Wellington football world apart from this extraordinarily unfortunate

half-pitched, half witted author.

What a staggeringly stupid assumption that the Nairnville pitch has been built

in Ngaio/Khandallah for the exclusive use of the locals. For as long as I have

been involved with sport, teams have travelled around the city to play at a

wide variety of venues, that's right, it's not compulsory to play in just your

own suburb.

Clearly your Mr Half a Pitch has only a very fragile grip on the realities of

politics and the way grown ups think because he believes the pitch is a 'vote

grabber'. How does that work? Guess what, lots of residents actually get

annoyed about living next door to our sportsfields because of the traffic

congestion and the inconsiderate parking habits of many sportspeople. They also

get annoyed with the rowdy behaviour of some of our more inconsiderate

sportspeople, you know the loudmouths who ruin it for the majority and give

sport a bad name -- so who's going to grab the votes in this case?

So, a whole lot of money and a whole lot of new full-size pitches - starting

with the construction of another pitch behind the old Show Buildings in Newtown

later this year. And guess what these pitches will be floodlit if we can get

the consents and convince any neighbours that their TV and bedtime won't be

disturbed because fortunately very few footballers whine as loudly and

incessantly as your Mr Half a Pitch.

A little advice for your overpaid underperforming author before I finish --

whinging, whining, abuse does not encourage politicians to vote money to your

cause and if I do oblige Mr Half a Pitch and die I can assure him my

replacement is unlikely to respond positively to boring, tiresome, endless

smartarse moaning.

Cheers!

Cr John Morrison

HERE IS THE ORIGINAL EDITORIAL

Editorial : Half a Pitch Is Not Better Than No Pitch!

Wellington City Council.  You are all dicks.

It has to be said.  Wellington is in desperate need of more football playing surfaces.  Hello.  This is football.  You know, the sport EVERYONE plays and you horribly under-resource.  Preferring to give equal time and consideration to ridiculous wastes of space and time like petanque, Frisbee, cricket, and other non-sports.

WCC tried to make us feel like they cared by putting in a synthetic pitch.  At Nairnville Park.  They trumpeted it and Capital Football duly put c*ck in mouth and pretended it was the best thing since sliced bread.  Arse biscuits it was.  It�s a half a pitch in the middle of a snobby white neighbourhood.  Vote grabbing.  Fact.  And then they go an allocate a massive share of the time on it to social rugby.  More vote grabbing.  W*nkers. 

And they couldn�t even find the stones to put a f*cking fence up to stop the balls rolling down the hill.  Why?  Because the neighbours over the road said it would spoil their view.  Well neighbours, you�re all a pack of c*nts.  View of what?  Ngaio?  Give me a break.

Then they went and took their watery promise to build one full sized plastic pitch a year and watered it down even further until it looked like Karori Park after rain.  Now they might build some pitches sometime and if they do they will be a shared facility for the use of every bastard and football won�t get the time we deserve.

And before I calm down.  Hutt City Council, you lot are pricks too!  Where are your plastic pitches?  Why do you persist with those useless pillocks Excell who do nothing to repair or maintain the playing surfaces and instead sit on their fat donut eating bums and smoke B&H Extras and drink Double Brown all funded by your rate payers.

Grrrrrr.

But there is a shining ray of hope.  We should all move to Whitby.  Sure we�d all have to become IT consultants, live in wanky new-build houses, drive flash-looking but ultimately feckless BMWs and think we were f*cking awesome despite that fact that we live in the outer reaches of nowhere so that we can afford to pretend we�re rich, but we would at least live in the bounds of Porirua City Council.  A place where there ARE enough pitches and they ARE well maintained.

Oh, we�d also have to commute to play, because nobody likes Wests.

Anyway, big ups to Porirua City Council.  You guys rock.  The rest of you.  Do us a favour and die.

.Park Life

A year ago the re was a 10 year plan for 6 pitches around the city. We lobbied for a shorter time frame as we'll all have moved on when year 10 comes along, I hope anyway. Then sub prime happened and WCC decided they didn't have the money after all (although I've yet to see my rates come down despite my property being around 10% less value) so the plan became, in Feverish's words, cloudy, to be debated around t he LTCCP. Reading Councillor Morrison's reply tells me we are back where we started with a teaser in there hinting at more than 6. At least now there is a concrete plan. But we haven't seen nothing yet - just wait for the clubs to start their lobbying for one of those 6 to be in their area. KP anyone?

Enough greasing LF1 - he doesn's sign your pay cheque

When was the last time you said something that prompted a response from a councillor? jealousy?

Good work Hutt CC:

Yes, that�s right, rumours of Parky�s demise at the hands of a cabal made up of councilors from Wellington City Council, Hutt City Council and former staff of Capital Football were greatly exaggerated. Parky�s back to give you all the build up for a Big Weekend of Big Cup Action.

For those that have missed the fun and games, have a look here to catch up with the latest on the grounds situation in the Wellington region and some definitive answers on the future of all-weather grounds in the Wellington City area. Seeing as the messages from the council as understood by the clubs were at best blurry, it�s good to see Councilor Morrison go on record with some guarantees about what can be expected.

We�re not going to get back in that whole area any more than that though; we�ve made enough friends already.

Anyway, we�ve wheeled out our aging bunch of hacks living on past �glories� to get you the gossip on the two David vs. Goliath clashes for this weekend and hopefully allowed ourselves some room to talk up what�s going on at the pointy end of Capital football as well.

 So here is our low-swearing, low-controversy, low-death-wish, low-down on the coming round�

The Miramafia VS The Oranje Titanic (Big Cup)

He says:

The first of two Capital Chatham Cup fixtures this weekend pits Miramar Rangers against long-time rivals Wellington United at Davey F Park. The classic Derby doesn�t quite compare to a Miramar-Olympic clash, but has history none the less. Heavily-favored Miramar will be desperate to push through this round and into the quarter finals. Not only because their whole season is now based on winning the thing, but also because they may have some sneaky signings up their sleeve to be available for the next round. The Oranje have had a torrid season so far with few highlights. This will be one though as we all know that anything can happen in a Chatham Cup Derby. Not much other than a Rangers win is likely to happen this weekend.

The Oranje will be sorely missing their powerful number nine as Hicham Kamri, their top (and only) goal scorer, is suspended for seeing red after a stoush with Jack Pelts last weekend against Wests. Apparently he was going on holiday anyway. He may be spotted with Brian Little on Whakapapa ski field.

The Mar will be at full strength and will be hurting slightly after coughing up a draw against the Greeks last week. The Cup is now their competition as Wests creep further ahead in the Central League. The Rangers� defense is improving but the goals haven�t been coming as easily ever since their 10-2 thrashing of Maycenvale. If Dom Rowe and the Colonel show up then the Oranje will be in deep strife.

We�re Picking: Miramar 4-1. The Oranje�s goal an OG from Michael Eagar.

She Says:

Since this correspondent�s last rip into Wellywood United, there has been more dramas in Oranje county than in an episode of Gilligan�s Island. The titanic responded to Captain Durant jumping ship by pumping Taradale 6-0 to book a third round clash with Miramafia. Despite some solid performances over the past couple of weeks, Captain Holmes men are still searching for their allusive league win. Undoubtedly they would trade a Big Cup win for 3 league points.

The oranje should again have a relatively stable line-up for Saturday�s clash. Jamie McKay will once again start in goal despite only having use of one leg. Look out for his left-footed drop-kicks. They�re comedy gold. Chris Chang will anchor the defensive line, while Big Trent will take his place in a defensive midfield role. United will be without goal scoring machine Hichim Kamri, who ensured he would get time off for his Moroccan holiday by exchanging bobsleds with Jack Pelter last week.

Like 99 percent of their game this year, the Oranje will be struggling to get anything out of this. But if they can build pressure up by keeping the Mar scoreless for 60 or 70 minutes then United could be in for a boil over.

We�re picking: Oranjeboom 2 (Olaf 61�, Greene 80�) � Mar 1 (Colonel 75�)

Chatham Cup minnows Olympic take on four time Cup winners Wharfies (Big Cup)

He Says:

 The immaculately (cough) manicured (cough) turf of Newtown Park see's the return of Big Cup action this week as everyone's favourite Effnik club take on Wellington�s Premier Aquatic club.

 With 'Bobsled' Barry Lewis and Mike 'Red Mist' Greene both likely to start we're expecting to see some blood in this and the Zambucks for both teams to be knackered after heading on to the pitch so many times.

 The Wharfies side is somewhat depleted with Physio and part-time giraffe Adam Crump along with Mal 'Diving Champion' Impiombato both away at their day jobs with the Phoenix and a somewhat murky discussion about the availability of a certain defender which Parkie has been forbidden from discussing.

If Wharfies want to get anything out of this, they're going to need Shannon Minnet to provide some granite to a midfield that most weeks is made of pumice it is so lightweight, and it wouldn't hurt if Jono Sole made it longer than 5 minutes before having to come off with a dodgy hamstring.

So, in summary, while a Sam Buckle washing machine will leave at least one Bubble floundering and Jimmy Hill will be a constant threat, we suspect the overall strength of the Olympic side to be too good for a Wharfies side lucky to get past Palmerston Bell End last round but despite that�

We're Picking : Two stretchers. Two Reds. A tanty from Gilly on the Wharfies bench and a thoroughly undeserved 1-0 extra-time win to Wharfies on the back of James Potter�s only touch of the game (it turns out Potter in fact knows a little Greek).

She Says:

This week�s Big Cup game sees Karori travel to Newtown to face the undefeated draw champions, the Bubbles in the last 16 of this year�s Chatham Cup. The Bubbles have a full strength side and with their pink panther (Wharfies old pink panther) picking up man of the match last week against The Mar the Bubbles will be feeling confident, but don�t get too excited yet. The rest of the squad will be made up with the usual Greek Wide Boys, and other Wide Boys.

Wharfies will travel to Newtown full of confidence with the return of their new shot stopper, Fulcher, fresh from a trip to the states. We are also led to believe that The Bubbles are planning a team night out to boost moral on Friday night, will this be a blessing or a curse?

This leaves Parky with five main questions:

1, How long will it take for Gilly to get sent to the stands?

2, How long will it take for the travelling Karori faithful to drink the bar dry at Newtown Park?

3, Who will take the field for Wharfies this weekend? With all the injuries to star players such as Jono �Hans� Sole, suspensions to �experienced� players such as YF�s own Feverish and the unexplained disappearance of Blake Honeyfield after a big Friday night.

4, Which one of the Bubbles� players will get arrested on Friday night?

5, Will Dave Hooley fall off?

We�re Picking : A win for the Bubbles as Wharfies fight hard but can�t keep the pace, 3 or 4 nil and NvH to be the arrested party.

Central League.

Okay, our central league previews have hit a bit of a snag with one correspondent sloping off to the United States and the other one disappearing off the radar so we�ll half arse it here.

Two games in central this week after a pile of Big Cup related postponements. With the big three all out it�s up to the Hutt Valley to reprazent against the sides from the Central region.

First up Fozzie and the Muppets are at home at windswept Memorial against the Palmy Pope�s own. It�s fair to say that the wheels on the Petone bandwagon are not just loose but have fallen off and been resold on Trade Me. With All Whites Andy Barron and dish plate hands away things have not exactly gone to plan as a run of injuries has decimated the squad.

Big Jim�s hands were back last week, but despite a busy day he couldn�t stop Napier City Rovers taking three points at home.

Jim will be a busy man again this week against an erratic Pope�s Own who have at times looked worse than the Titanic, but still sneak an occasional result. We think this one will be close, but home advantage to help and Whitmarsh to grab a winner.

In the other game, the Latin Americans of Lower Hutt get aboard the Autob�s and head del norte to the Andes-like Taranaki region to take on a Team Taranaki side who are a roca defensiva.

Taranaki are hard to beat at home and it will need algo especial from Luis Corrales and the Ginger Ronaldo to come away with the full points.

Estamos escogiendo : Un 1-1 drenaje and Petone 2-1.

Krapiti Coast Play The Host As Island Bay Come to Play (Champs Premier League)

Kapiti Coast United look to consolidate their Premier League status this Saturday against an Island Bay United team on form hotter than a washed up cricketer-come councilman�s temper.

The corresponding fixture last round saw Kapiti in resurgent form as they took the lead early in the first half, only for Bay to snatch a draw in a come from behind performance seen only before in Neverland (Park Life � All about the taste).

Weka Park is widely regarded as one of the best surfaces in the Wellington region and both sides will be looking to play an on the deck, passing game. KCU will be looking for top scorer Jared Putter to sink a few birdies, whilst Island Bay United will be looking to Luciano Collucci to take on goal-scoring responsibilities after the absence of Ian Patterson and Moritz Terlau, due to red mist and Euro-trip respectively.

We�re picking: Kapiti Coast United to push Island Bay United all the way on their home turf, but succumb to a 2-1 loss to the away side. Jared Putter to score for KCU after Granville getting distracted by a seagull.

Mountain men descend to meet slippery slope (Champs Premier League)

After a start to the season that looked so promising Naenae�s season has nosedived quicker than a trans-atlantic Airbus flight, with a single point from (what feels like) the last 100 games. While Naenae have played some good football at times a lack of depth and naive errors continue to burn them.

This week the picturesque Naenae Park plays host to the Mountain Men from the Tararuas, who will be cock-a-hoop after putting a stop on Kapiti Coast�s recent form turn-around. With �wide man� Andy Le Prou knocking them in and covering for the disappointing displays from American import Patrick Carver the lads from the wild North will be looking to smoke Naenae.

Naenae meanwhile will continue trying to work out how best to get value from prolific frontman Jamie Henders and how best to create chances. With Captain and midfield dynamo Simon Hall now looking like he is gone for the rest of the season it will be up to his brother Benji, Sudanese Superstar Alex Young and Iraqi import Tariq to try and get a result.

Naenae�s second string midfield will be competitive and an even game should be on the cards, hopefully without some of the controversy from the early season clash between these sides when Naenae coach Joe Carlin was �politely ushered� away from the bench.

We�re picking : 3-2 to Upper Hutt. Sorry lads.

Western Suburbs Under-8�s vs Rampant Rangers Ressies (Champs Premier League)

This could be one of those games where the best pitch in Wellington costs a team, with the all-action hussle and bustle of the Miramar Reserves likely to prosper on the billiard table like surface at Endeavour Park.

The Miramarfia �B� lads will be smarting after last week�s loss to Stop Out, where Centre Back David �Comedy� Capstick got on the score sheet and Matthew �I�d rather a bottle in front of me� Keene missing an open goal from two-feet out with no one else around him, right in front of a packed Farrington Field balcony.

A lot will depend on whether the Wests Under-8�s will be strengthened by reinforcements from the �having a week off� first team. Some clubs have been known to regrade an entire first team in lower grade sides on a Saturday to put the firsts out in a lower grade on Sunday.

Of course, we would never suggest that Wilson Suburbs would do (or have ever done) such a thing� but Tawa Vets might want to watch out on Saturday in case they run in to Rupert Ryan, Jack Pelter and Phil Imray.

Anyway�

We�re Picking : Under-8�s 0 � Miramarfia B 2. Unless a bunch of first teamers drp down in which case we�ll call it Wests by 1. � Note how we avoided any commitment there ?

Lower Hutt vs. Tawa (Champs Premier League)

The Bell Boys welcome the Denizens of the deeply Dutch Republic of Tawa in a showdown between the head and tail of Champs Premier. The Tawa clan recently dealt out a thrashing to Naenae, the scoresheet reading like the guest list for a Windmill Symposium.

Lower Hutt are coming off the back of a string of losses, though last week they came close against an out-of-sorts, Greene-free Wharfies. With Hutt the Lower succumbing to a powerful Miramafia Henchmen 6-1 in recent weeks, you�d have to pick Tawa to do cruel and unusual things to Lower Hutt, with the likely marshland surface the only thing keeping Tawa in single digits.

We�re picking: More pain for Lower Hutt, trampled by the clogs 9-1.

Parky's Crystal Ball

Okay, so we�ve lost our balls, live with it. We�ve had to.

Until next week then...

Park Life

There was just a piece on national radio about artificial pitches, including comment from out friend Mystery Morrison.  Will post the link when it gets put up on their website.