John Hartson

With his current form in front of goal we could encourage him to think of a career change by  chanting: "Are you Paul Tito in disguise?"

"Don't try and come up with any sheep gags, OK?" Photograph: Paul Harding/Action Images
 

Sadly, Phil, it isn't just defenders, scales and Eyal Berkovic who have been given a fright during the Welshman's career, but also our woolly four-legged friends. "I was at Luton and two of my Swansea mates, Jason Wright and Kevin Davis, came up for some fun," Hartson told the Sunday People in an interview. "We got absolutely lashed and, at about three in the morning, we found the minibus that was to take us back to my place. On the way, we stopped beside a field and stole a sheep that was minding her own business, threw her in the back of the van and then drove on home for a sleep.