Phoenix Crop Circle · Yellow Fever Nga Wana Kowhai · Supporters of the Wellington Phoenix

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Excellent. All the signs are coming together. You should try to find out about the Mysterious Forest Circles in Karelia. The theory was originally that learner pilots were clumsily practising their landing technique, using the soft, springy Karelian forest as a 'safety net'.

Then the areas of flattened pine and birch trees began to take on shapes and forms that were recognisable from the air, and people realised that in actual fact, the first attempts were just practising the flattening technique.

Now there is a massive cover up by the Russian government, 'cos the trees are not just flattened over with their trunks broken or uprooted - they've been bent over at 90 degrees just above the ground, absolutely perfectly and without so much as a crease or a stretch, it looks as if they'd grown that way from saplings.

The last Karelian tree circle reported from the air depicted something that looked rather a lot like a large, three-eyed intergalactic planet-swallowing monster gobbling up planet earth (the design was approximately 80 miles across). Tree circle experts suggest that this could be a warning that our time on earth will come to an end just as soon as the large, three-eyed intergalactic planet swallowing monster gets here.

Other speculators suggest the Mysterons are having a laugh with us.

Critics say it's just some teenage aliens out for a joy ride in their old man's 3,000 tonne Toyotas Spacecruiser Amazon (from the future; Japanese industry left earth because of a mysterious Karelian Tree Circle depicting a large... well, you know the rest, it's a bit like the inexplicable time paradox in Terminator), playing with the Treebenderbeamerdoofer that is only a vailable on the LX model with heated seats and retractable cup holders.

Sceptics say that it's all a pile of nonsense and it means absolutely nothing. One was allegedly heard to say something like, "It's graffiti. Imagine what aliens would think if our kids went and left graffiti on Planet Zog or wherever they're from? These guys come and leave us with pretty patterns and designs that are nice to look at, our kids would go and spray paint the fields with daft symbols and slogans that nobody would understand. Like 'Zilf' or 'Skark' or something. You know, I blame the parents. It's all a question of upbringing. I'm not saying that the aliens are right to go messing up a forest of trees that were minding their own business, but they never seem to cause fights or hurt anyone in the process, innit?"

But in actual fact, there can be no doubt that the aliens are trying to warn us in advance of our impending gastric doom in the gullet of the large three-eyed... okay, you know what it is.

Some believe that this is an cynical PR move, and that it will soon be followed by more intricate Tree Circles that depict how to get to the emergency evacuation ship that the aliens will be sending, and how much the one way ticket to Phlopfph will cost. There will probably be a discount for checking in online.

In other words, the whole thing is quite confusing. It's rather hard to imagine that aliens who can travel Star-Trek distances (probably in a white mercedes Sprinter with a stellar ion reflux drive, converted by Brabus himself in person) would doodle in fields for anything other than their own amusement at watching the humans who find their scribbles scratch their heads and look up to the sky in bewilderment and bemusement.

With all that technology, I'm fairly sure they could just leave one big picture that would leave everyone in no doubt as to what message they were trying to get across. I reckon they could even work out the basics of Chinese, Spanish and English (maybe by tapping into Google translate) in order to write the damn message in plain human language.

Otherwise, it looks much more like some bloke somewhere is having a giggle to himself and admiring the aerial shots of his vandalism.

When Hibs, went up, to win the Scottish Cup - I wisnae there - furfuxake!