DEEP THOUGHTS BY MEN WHILE FISHING
Two men are out ice
fishing at their favorite fishing hole, just fishing quietly and
drinking beer.
Almost silently, so as not to scare the fish, Mel says, "I think
I'm
going to divorce my wife - she hasn't spoken to me in over 2
months."
Earl continues slowly sipping his beer, then thoughtfully says,
"You
better think it over - women like that are hard to
find."
A young Italian girl was going on a date.
Her Nonna said: "Sita here ana letame tella you about those-a younga boys.
He's agonna try ana kiss you, you are agonna likea dat, but don't let him do that. He's agonna try ana kiss your breasts, you are agonna likea dat too, but don'ta let him do that.
But most important, he's agonna try ana lay on topa you, you are agonna likea dat, but don'ta let him do that. Doing thata willa disgraca the family.
With that bit of advice, the granddaughter went on her date. The next day she told grandma that her date went just like she had predicted:
"Nonna, I didn't let him disgrace the family. When he tried, I just turned over, got on top of him, and disgraced HIS family!"
Three for me, and two for them.
The following short quiz consists of four questions and will tell you whether you are qualified to be a professional. The questions are NOT difficult.
_____________________
1. How do you put a giraffe into a refrigerator?
The correct answer is: Open the refrigerator, put in the giraffe, and close the door. This question tests whether you tend to do simple things in an overly complicated way.
_____________________
2. How do you put an elephant into a refrigerator?
Did you say, Open the refrigerator, put in the elephant, and close the refrigerator? Wrong Answer.
Correct Answer: Open the refrigerator, take out the giraffe, put in the elephant and close the door. This tests your ability to think through the repercussions of your previous actions.
_____________________
3. The Lion King is hosting an animal conference. All of the animals attended except one. Which animal did not attend the conference?
Correct Answer: The Elephant. The elephant is in the refrigerator. Remember, you just put him in there. This tests your memory. Okay, even if you did not answer the first three questions correctly, you still have one more chance to show your true abilities.
_____________________
4. There is a river you must cross but it is used by crocodiles, and you do not have a boat. How do you manage it?
Correct Answer: You jump into the river and swim across it. Have you not been listening to anything I've said? All of the crocodiles are attending the animal conference called by the Lion King. This tests whether you learn quickly from your previous mistakes.
Three for me, and two for them.
Our London correspondent reports that, in light of recent
terrorist
threats, the British authorities have raised their security level
from
"Miffed" to "Peeved"
It would appear that security levels may be raised yet again
to
"Irritated" or even "A Bit Cross". Londoners have not been "A
Bit
Cross" since the blitz in 1940 when tea supplies all but ran out.
In
the meantime terrorists have been re-categorised from "Tiresome" to
"A
Bloody Nuisance". The last time the British issued a "Bloody
Nuisance"
warning was during the great fire of 1666.
In France the French authorities also announced that it had
raised its
terror level from "Run" to "Hide". The only two higher levels
in
France are "Surrender" and "Collaborate". The rise was precipitated
by
a recent fire that destroyed France's only white flag factory,
effectively paralysing the country's military capability.
It's not only the French and English that are on a heightened
level of
alert. Italy has increased the alert level from "Shout Loudly
and
Excitedly" to "Elaborate Military Posturing". Two more levels
remain:
"Ineffective Combat Operations" and "Change Sides".
Elsewhere in Europe Germany has increased it's alert from
"Disdainful
Arrogance" to "Dress In Uniform And Sing Marching Songs". They
also
have two higher levels: "Invade a Neighbour" and "Lose"
Belgians, on the other hand, are all on holiday as usual and the
only
threat they have to worry about is NATO pulling out of
Brussels.
The Spanish are in a high state of excitement following the
deployment
of their new submarine fleet. These beautifully designed subs
have
glass bottoms so the new Spanish navy can get a good view of the
old
Spanish navy.
Washington has announced that there will be no change to the
strategy
that has served the country so well over the last 100 years. A
spokesperson confirmed that the guiding principles remained as "Sit
on
the fence until you know who is winning" followed by "Bomb the
s***
out of everything then find out who's side they were on".
The answer to life's problems are rarely found at the bottom of a beer glass - but it's always worth a look.
The answer to life's problems are rarely found at the bottom of a beer glass - but it's always worth a look.
The answer to life's problems are rarely found at the bottom of a beer glass - but it's always worth a look.
Three for me, and two for them.
Fast
forward, it is just before New Zealand
v
Brazil
at the next
Confederations Cup Group game.
Kaka� goes into the
Brazilian changing room to find all his teammates looking a bit
glum
"What's up?" he asks.
"Well, we're having trouble getting motivated for this game. We
know it's important but it's only New
Zealand. They're sh*t and we
can't be bothered".
Kaka� looks at them and
says "Well, I reckon I can beat these by myself, you lads go down
the pub."
So Kaka� goes out to
play New Zealand
by himself and
the rest of the Brazilian team goes off for a few drinks.
After a few pints they wonder how the game is going, so they get
the landlord to put the teletext
on. A big
cheer goes up as the screen reads "Brazil 1 - New Zealand
0
(Kaka� 6 minutes) "He is
beating New Zealand
all by
himself! �Yells
Dida.
Anyway, a few more pints later and the game is forgotten until
someone remembers "It must be full time now, let's see how he got
on". They put the teletext on.
"Result from the Stadium "Brazil 1
(Kaka� 6 minutes)
- New
Zealand 1 (Nelsen 89
minutes)".
They can't believe it, he has single handedly got a draw
against New
Zealand!! They rush back to the
Stadium to congratulate him. They find him in the dressing room,
still in his gear, sat with his head in his hands.
He refuses to look at them. "I've let you down, I've let you
down."
"Don't be stupid� says
Ronaldinho �you got a
draw against New Zealand, all by yourself. And they only scored at
the very, very end!"
"No, No, I have, I've let you down... I got sent off after 10
minutes"
Yeah,
i know...
Three for me, and two for them.
