Parky's back... back again

Uber LOLs at the mad linking PL. MASSIVE.

Particular LOLs at "correspondent" link.....oh yes and "silverwear":

Comedy gold all round.

But wait, there's STILL MORE!

love it, this should now be the becnh mark.

I'm predicting Parky has got 5 winners from 5.  Scores a bit of a piss take.

realy?all 5

Park Life: Yellow Fever's calloused finger on local football's thready pulse. In this, our very first (and perhaps only ever) print edition we preview a sensational weekend of football that combines Big Travel League (that's Central League) action with Big Cup (that's the Chatham Cup) excitement. Who could fail but get an enormous erection over a Big Cup tussle like Waikanae vs Eastbourne. Not Park Life, and that's a fact!

For the Park Life virgins amongst you, Park Life is Yellow Fever's weekly preview of Wellington regional football. It comes out each Thursday (roughly) during the winter and usually you can find it at www.yellowfever.co.nz - drop in and check us out. Or you can subscribe by emailing parklife@yellowfever.co.nz with "Subscribe" in the subject line. Very good.

Brooklyn Northern Scurvy Dogs vs Naenaaaaargggghhh.

The Horn of Africa Derby sees the Sudanese-Scouse mafia sail from Naenae to the shores of Wakefield Park to take on the Somalian-Scottish pirates of Brooklyn Northern United.

Last year BNU wanted to lose their first Big Cup match so hard they played almost all second team players (including a goalie who had never played there before and a Pandemic-less Pancakes). They failed . By some fluke they snuck through on penalties over Wainui only to be boarded, taken, sunk, hung, drawn and quartered by Wilson Suburbs - although they did give us one of Parky's moments of the season: Wharfies' own Sammy Buckle keelhauling U-20 defender Timmy Schaeffers.

So far this season Naenae are having defensive (read: goalkeeping) challenges in trying to compete in the Champs Premier League and the site of midfield maestro Paul Wheeler wandering around Lambton Square with a cast on his arm this week is a worrying sign. Meanwhile Brooklyn are firing broadsides to be close to first in Capital One with a game in hand meaning there are only a couple of league places between the two sides.

We're Picking: Naenae are no Navy Seals, but we fancy them to fly in under cover of darkness and take aim at BNU B and head home to the Hutt with some new wheels and a trip to the next round.

(Disclaimer : Yes, there is some debate about whether Sudan is part of the 'Horn of Africa', but without it our Pirate jokes wouldn't work. -Ed.)

The Dutch Republic of Tawa vs Aston's Spastic Brother Douglas's Villa

Meanwhile in Tawadaam one of the qualifying round's giant killers look to carry on one of those underdog glory runs that everyone loves in Big Cup.

Aston's Spastic Brother makes the long trek from Masterton buoyed by the fact that they turned over Waikanae at the Queen Elizabeth Park desert last round.

Unfortunately this won't help them against a Tawa side who have scored six unanswered goals in the last 180 minutes of football and sit smugly atop the Champs Premier League. With the Romijns all showing excellent form and the Raemakers boys book-ending a solid team Tawa are looking solid bets to be promoted to the Big Travel League, swapping places with their countrymen, the relegation-certain Wellington United Oranje.

We're Picking: The Dutch Republic will just be too Gouda for them (sorry, getting capable help is so very difficult these days, -Ed.) and will probably celebrate with a bit of a dance afterwards.

Napier City Rover vs Relegation Bound Giant Killing Oranje (Big Travel League)

The Oranje are the first team this season to make the long trek to Park Island on Sunday to face Napier City Rovers. Park Island has been unavailable for the past month and rumours are flying around that the Hawkes Bay drought has turned the normally carpet-like surface into a pitch found in sub-Saharan Africa. Apparently Rovers are in negotiation with Waterslide Karori for a water-beer trade to return Park Island back to its former glory. As one of the four away trips for the Wellington based teams, the lads can expect to see the great sights of the Kapiti Coast, Dannevirke, and possibly Waipukurau. Good times.

Rover will be without a couple of New Zealand under 17 representatives (believed to be Andy Bevin and Fergus Neil if Park Life's research department is to up standard), and seem to have struggled so far this season without last season's goal-scoring duo Messam and Fyfe. However, former All Black Stu Wilson again captains the side from midfield and will look to create opportunities for Napier's top goal-scorer Abba.

United would have identified Rovers as an opportunity to bag their first three pointer of the campaign. The Oranje will again have Chris 'Whakachangchang' Chang available for selection after holidaying in Christchurch. Last week, United caused many a red face within the ParkLife office by being within 10 minutes of putting one over Wilson Suburbs. Hicham Kamri provided the wonder strike last weekend and will want to add to his goal tally.

We're picking: Oranje to be brought back down to earth and normal programming to resume with this goal-fest.

Porirua City vs Eastbourne Naked Mole Rats (Chatham Cup - Qualification Round)

East vs. West, Logan Brown vs. Double Brown, "Puttin' on the Ritz" vs. "Puttin' on the balaclava". Two very ...cough... distinct parts of the Capital meet in the Qualification Round of the Big Cup this weekend when Porirua City host The Naked Mole Rats at Adventure Park.

With Porirua City fielding their Masters 1 team against Capital 4 Eastbourne, you can expect some contrasting styles of football to be on show. Porirua are storming through Masters 1 at the moment beating BNU 2-0, turning over the Karori Turtles 4-0 @ the Aquadrome, and performing an 11-man home invasion at Wakefield Park against Island Bay to pilfer a point. Eastbourne however, are struggling to adjust after dropping down from Capital 3 last season. They've been dressed-down by the Petone Armanis and put away by the Uni Scarfies, with their only win coming against BNU.

Due to the gulf between Capital 4 and Masters it's a good idea to defenestrate the formbook. The gap between these 2 leagues is equidistant to the gap between Park Life’s idea of appropriate humour, and what is considered acceptable by society at large.

We're picking: Eastbourne to get in, get the win, and then get the hell out as quick as they can. 4-1.

Island Bay take on the might of the Church as they visit Wellington Marist (Chatham Cup - Qualification Round)

Island Bay United go on a pilgrimage to Kilbirnie Park to face Capital One high flyers Marist this Saturday in Big Cup.

Bay will be looking to bounce back after last weekend's thrashing at the hands of Wilson Suburbs. One source says the United players had food poisoning from some bad fish and chips. Another source claims Wilson Suburbs' players were buoyed from having their mummies and daddies come to watch them. Either way it was a dead set embarrassment for the boys from the Bay as Wests' Reserves notched up a straight forward win.

The Sharks will be without striker come midfielder come centre back Jamie Milne and pocket rocket Luciano Colluci (those must be big pockets you have -Ed.) due to achilles knack and knee ligament twang respectively. They will also be without David Rutherford after he was sent off against Wilson Suburbs on Sunday. Granville remains in goal after a proposed swap deal with Arsenal's Lukasz Fabianski failed to materialise.

Marist coach Brian Berwick will be praying to the heavens his team can get players into the box to steal an unlikely victory.

Amen.

We're picking: Granville-Fabianski might throw one in, but even without SuperMilne Bay should be too strong for Marist from the league below. 1-1 AET, 5-3 to Bay on penalties.

Top of the Big Travel League Clash as Miramar take on Western Suburbs at Endeavour (Central League)

The first top-o-the-Big-Travel-League clash happens this weekend as Miramafia go to Wilson Suburbs straight off the back of their controversial derby game against the Greeks last weekend. Olympic supporters will be whinging all week about the referee, the debatable quick free kick, the flare debacle, ">scuffles outside the changing sheds the poor quality of the fish and chips from the local chipper, and then probably Park Life's coverage of their game. Regardless, the Mar must put their first half performance against one fierce rival behind them, and put in an overdue 90 minute performance against another fierce rival in Wests. Pete Halstead may return for this match while Michael Eagar is likely to play in his first start of the year with a solid second half last weekend.

Suburbs also drew with their Bogey team, the Oranje, last round, not the only time the Oranje have upset Wilson United in the last few seasons. Both teams blew chances to take an outright league lead but get another crack at it this weekend.

Wests have looked the form team so far this year without conceding a single goal until Hicham Kamri scored a peach for the Oranje in their well deserved 1-1 draw. Suburbs were looking the bollocks until last weekend; Miramar will see them as far more beatable after that result. Wests will need their best from their back four of Peters, Pelter, Milne and Wilson, and goalkeeper Phil Stingray, to keep Miramar at bay. Rangers defence has been a bit like an incontinent geriatric (leaking at the back an ongoing problem). If Wests' superstar Jake Theron can notch one early then Wests could well continue their recent dominance over The Mar.

We're picking: G Little to: (a) go mental on the sidelines; and then (b) sub himself on; and then (c) whinge at the referee a lot; but (d) score the winner. Wests will definitely score though, so it should be a cracker. 3-2

Loves the Kak vs Win or lose on the...

The lovely holiday mecca that is Paekakariki's Campbell Park this Saturday plays host to an inaugural showdown between Paekakariki and Wharfies. Paekak come bounding into the fixture on the back of a 3 zip thrashing of twice Big Cup winners and once mighty, yet now truly horrid, Seatoun. (our correspondent had something else in here that we assume was witty but we think he left out half a dozen words in the spin cycle so it made no sense - ed)

Given Wharfies lack of recent Cup heritage, it would not be surprising to see Karori's young squad underestimate the passion and fire that accompanies a Big Cup fixture. Indeed, the Wharfie recently voted "most likely to in fact be a street kid", Robbie Hunter, is expected to spend the first half in Campbell Park's hard arse skate pit. Very little is known about the Paekak squad, although Park Life informer, Pilonidal Sinus (please do not ask, and definitely don't research), has advised that Spud Monk and alchohol driven crowd violence are the main threats to Wharfies. Otherwise, the Wharf will need to keep an eye out for the Trams at QE2 Park (which, very, very sadly Hard News can actually name) and the salad buffet at Fisherman's Table (which Hard News is not nearly so familiar with).

We're Picking: The Wharf to Squeeze Home down Centennial Highway in rush hour and Robbie Hunter to forget his knee pads. 2-0 Wharf.

Petone's Mighty Blues travel to Palmy to take on The Pope's Own Palmy North Marist (Central League)

If anything is going to save Wellington United from relegation this year it is Palmerston North Marist. So everyone at Newtown Park this weekend will be crossing fingers and toes that Mark Foster's men can get a win against a Marist outfit that not only got spanked by Wilson United 7-0, but also (more worryingly) lost 3-2 to former-relegation-certainties-now-almost-credible-mid-tablers Team Taranaki. Oh dear.

Marist on the other hand will be pulling out every hymn and prayer they know in a bid to stave off perennial over-achievers Petone. Prayer alone though won't make up for the loss from last year's squad of Andrew Bailey (off to the US of A on a football scholarship) and Finlay Milne (now at Wilson Suburbs on a "football scholarship").

Petone on the other hand have just gotten stronger with the return of Blue Boy Barron who, despite once wearing Nomis, still goes alright. He scored two and set one up in his first game back in the Big Travel League. Also in fine form is youngster Leighton Arraj who has been jinking and weaving his way through everyone down Petone's left.

Could be a tough day in the Manawatu.

We're picking: Petone by a margin of 3. Probably 4-1. James Bannatyne to get in at least three Cruyff turns.

Random Park Life fact of the day: Marist's David McCorkindale's cousins are twins. And friends of Park Life. So there you go. Actually, in light of that, make it 5-1.

North Wellington play the kids as Wellington College take them on in Big Cup (Chatham Cup - Preliminary Round)

If you're in Johnsonville this weekend with nothing to do - and let's face it, there is nothing to do in Johnsonville - then take your bag of glue, half dozen Rheinecks, and cheeseburger up the hill to Alex Moore Wembley and watch a bunch of elderly gentlemen in maroon watch a bunch of snotty teenagers in black and yellow (pretending to be the Phoenix 09/10) run around them but eventually lose on penalties in Big Cup.

The elderly gentlemen are, of course, North Wellington, a team so innocuous that Park Life doesn't even have a nickname for them. They are coached by a fellow by the name of Mike Parrot (a man who should really be involved in the BNU-Naenae Piracy Clash we previewed earlier) and consist mostly of middle aged club stalwarts of varying quality. They ply their trade in Capital One and had a great season last year - narrowly missing out on promotion on a soggy Naenae pitch on a wet winter's day. This season their form has been mixed, but they have blooded some promising youngsters of their own in the form of midfield dynamo Dan Roberts, moody midfielder Blair Todman and lanky knack-prone forward Tony Tarrant.

The snotty teenagers are of course Wellington College's very-decile-10 1st XI. They are coached by Charlie Howe - purveyor of the finest mullet in Wellington football - and consist mostly of angst. Their stars are defensive rock Ben Wierenga, midfield maestro and son-of-the-legend Corey Larsen (also sporting a reasonable mullet these days), the next Howe (Rhys), and forward Cam Johnston. They ply their trade in the kids' leagues but have a habit of doing pretty well in grown up competitions. They made it to the B-division Final of this year's Hilton Petone pre-season Cup, losing to Lower Hutt. Their most recent hit out (we think) was a friendly against cross-town-Catholic-rivals St Pat's Town, which they narrowly won 1-0.

We're picking: This could be a decent match, although Alex Moore Park will do it's best to spoil it. The kids will knock it in the corners and chase it hard, while Parrot's men are more likely to try and spread the ball around on the ground. Has nil-all and pens written all over it. Boys to bottle it in extra time. 2-1 to the home team AET.

Parky's Crystal Ball Says

Big Travel League

Palm Nth Marist 1 Petone 4
Lower Hutt City 3 Taranaki 0
Olympic 2 Wairarapa United 3
Western Suburbs 2 Miramar Rangers 3
Napier City Rovers 2 Wellington United 0

Big Cup

Upper Hutt City 1 Kapiti Coast United 2 (AET)
Brooklyn Northern 2 Naenae 3 (Henders hat trick for the Naenae but Richie Bourke can play...)
Porirua City 1 Eastbourne Naked Mole Rats 4 (but Eastbourne have Parky's best nickname EVER!)
Paekakariki Skaters 0 Waterside Karori 2
Tawa 13 Douglas Villa -4 (Just far too big a gap here...cricket score on the way)
Wainuiomata 0 Stop Out 3 (although going over the hill is like entering the Twilight Zone, so could be 3-0 the other way)
North Wellington 2 Wellington College 1 (AET)
University -4 Stokes Valley -2 (Valley aren't good, but it's uni holidays...)
Marist 1 Island Bay United 1 (AET, 5-3 on pens)

And that's it for Park Life in print. Do contact us (parklife@inbox.com) and tell us what you think. And if you want to subscribe, you can. We won't stop you. Although we warn you, this is as good as it gets. This is it. It's all we've got.

Until next week.

Park Life

Hard News2009-04-23 00:44:58

Timeframes allowing look for Parkie in print this weekend at a ground/clubrooms nearest you... it's the same as this but with snappy graphics.

Go Large !

So clubs won't need to buy toilet paper this week?

Shut up Dale.

Ah Parky - you've done it again Feverish2009-04-23 22:39:49

### NEWS FLASH ###

TVNZ PARTNERS WITH YELLOWFEVER.CO.NZ FOR LAUNCH OF NZ'S PREMIER FOOTBALL PUBLICATION - PARKLIFE (PRINTED EDITION)

Parklife's printed edition was today launched on a segment in One News in what is believed to be a world-first TV network/fan club partnership. In a shrewd marketing ploy the reporter for the segment positions herself right in front of a handsome, but portly, Ginger gentleman holding a freshly-minted copy of NZ's most influential football periodical with its distinctive green front cover designed by "The Special One".

A spokesman for Parklife said "It's no surprise that NZ's favourite News hour were keen to promote Park Life, as they obviously recognize champagne journalism when they see it".

Park Life's printed edition is available for FREE at your local clubrooms this Saturday.

http://tvnz.co.nz/politics-news/beer-price-drinking-age-could-go-up-2673207/video

I can think of nothing more fitting than Park Life's TV debut being in a feature on excessive boozing.

ha ha

Turns out what was supposed to be a clandestine Park Life meeting was in fact a publication launch.

Who knew!

ha class. The media love us!

That reporter was spotted in the Loaded Hog later in the night puchasing 4 drinks.  Kinda ironic.

Now you're stalking...

yes she was stalking me.

Is there still a prize for a report on a game.

Ambitious to say the least

update on parklife's first print edition: response was good from the games i handed it out to. people spent some good time reading it at the marist/lower hutt and olympic games.

Couple of handy picks in there.  See if Frankie Mac measures up with his pick of next round's Chat Cup results.

There any spare print editions around? didnt see any at north wellington club room and would like one if possible.

We even sent Smith there with them... I think I have one in my gear bag.  I'll hold on to it for you.

I watched the game but didn't make it to the clubrooms that are seventeen miles down the road.

I saw you (Mr Smith) on the way to the clubrooms too! was gonna hurl abuse and such.

And cheers News!

You should have done.  You certainly wouldn't have been the first that afternoon...!

cant wait to see who parky picks this week, especially in the game of the round that sees lower huut host the bubbles?

Park Life: Yellow Fever's now ink-covered finger on local football's pulse. Watch out for our second edition in print this weekend - and thanks to our sponsors!

Island Bay United grow mullets for visit to Upper Hutt-allica City (Champs Capital Premier)

Island Bay United will be packing their survival blankets as they go bush towards the Rimutakas to play Upper Hutt City at the picturesque Harcourt Park. The Sharks came away with a 2-1 victory last weekend against Marist in extra time in a game tighter than the Virgin Mary and will need to improve if they are to come away with anything against the Prem League's top scorers.

It will be a reunion of sorts for journeyman Ian MacIntyre, a former Fisherman who lines up for the Hutt on Saturday. Island Bay meanwhile are still without their SuperMilne but will be hopeful of welcoming back at least one player from their lengthy injury list for some much needed experience.Granville Gomes remains in goal, despite suffering from David James Syndrome the past couple of weeks. Often providing spectators with moments of brilliance*, lapses in concentration have resulted in goals softer than Hard News' belly.

Upper Hutt welcome back Andy le Prou and Masterton's Own Troy Burling from injury and will look at them to rip up and down the wings. Coach Ian Porteous's brother Jimmy The Black Pearl will again cause trouble up front. The Porteous family connection is not well known. Jimmy the 12 foot 3 inch tall black Jamaican man bears only a slight resemblance to his smaller, whiter, older, brother.

In what might be terrifying news for the Sharks, Park Life's Upper Hutt correspondent assures us that many of "the boys" have cut down to just half a pack of ciggies pre-match and some are even off the booze on a Friday night. Watch out

We reckon: that No Leaf Clover is by FAR Metallica's best song. As for the football, an entertaining 2-2 draw.

*By brilliance we may actually mean woeful uselessness -Ed.

Naenae Nighthawks vs Upper Hutt Slayers (Capital 16)

Yes we promised not to talk about News and Wilso's Fatty United but Parkie has noticed that the Fever has a few Slayers who like to pop in so we thought we'd talk up this curtain raiser for the Champs Premier League clash at Naenae on Saturday.

One of the great things about the lower divisions is that they cater for all ages and sizes with the Nighthawks giving the Naenae pitches the same heavy roller as Jesse Ryder provides in the summer months from Hard News and the Nighthawks sporting 16(ish) left back Joe Morgan through to fifty-something year old Steve Sambrooke - Father of the Petone brothers Chris the Nipple Grabber and Hopeless Joe.

The Nighthawks come to this one straight from a footballing lesson from a team that is this year's 'Le Hugo'. Coming from nowhere Tawa AC United are beating the living daylights out of everyone in Capital 16 and the Nighthawks were no exception. Gazelle-like keeper Graeme Harlow pulled off a dozen quality saves but it wasn't enough to make 8-0 look any better. Credit goes to Feverite Cosmo for a cracking own goal to help get them rolling along. The result was somewhat demoralising for a side that had already been Bubbled the week before by the other other Barbarouses when Olympic smashed them 6-1.

Meanwhile the Upper Hutt Slayers were fighting a clash of the titans against North Wellington with the honour at stake of being the team at the bottom of Capital football's open leagues. The Slayers pulled of a morale boosting win 2-0 at Raroa Park and rocketed to 4th from bottom at the expense of Critical Lemon's Uni-Cycles and Chris 'The Special One' MacDonald's North Wellington team.

With the Recent results against Tawa and Olympic mirroring the Naenae lad's in margins this could be a cracker with the weather allowing and a note has been sent to the Slayers making sure that if they are having half time drinks they bring enough for everyone.

We're picking: If the weather isn't the winner a sneaky 1 goal win to either side and some nasty hangovers on Sunday morning.

Then you can sprint to the nice warm club rooms to catch:

Naenae vs Lower Hutt City (Champs Capital Premier)

Okay, our correspondent owns up, he knows nothing about the Lower Hutt seconds. We assume there will be an Easthope or two, no Balicevics...and apparently they have a monster Brazilian - or at least foreign - keeper who is even less intelligible than Naenae coach Joe Carlin's scouseaccent. The rest of the squad is made up of youngsters with Champ's own Old Man Scott Easthope filling a baby-sitting role. Oh, andComedy Matt Carnihan will probably warm the bench, come on for five minutes and leave again crocked... look at that, turns out our correspondent does know something.

Naenae will welcome Benji 'Sneaky' Hall who has joined his brother and Naenae captain Simon this week from Petone. Rumour has it that the Fever's own new-leafer Smithy has already swiped his collection of Petone training gear. Sneaks move to Naenae follows the departure of the Mersey wonder Paul Wheeler who has headed home to have his broken wrist mended by the best doctors Liverpool can offer.

With some hope that the rain will have turned the wicket block in to something less akin to an ice-skating rink (too late for Mr. Wheeler's wrist) the Naenae lads will be hoping to carry on from last week's win against BNU in Big Cup, while the Lower Hutt lads will have had a fortnight off with everyone else chasing Big Cup glory. Lower Hutt's last result was off course the comedy defeat to the Wharfies Herons where even keeper Mark Fulcher got on the scoreboard for the lads from Karori.

Naenae need to get some points on the board and soon, and doing so off a Lower Hutt side before they can consider juggling squads is a must. If they don't pick up points here they may as well start getting re-acquainted with the roads to both Richard Prouse and Delaney.

We're picking :It had better be Naenae 3 (Henders 2, Alex Young 1) - Lower Hutt 1 or Naenae are going to bounce harder than the opening credits on Baywatch.

Bottom of the Big Travel League clash as Wellington Titanic United play host to Palmerston North Marist Hindenburg (Central League, for the time being)

While last week saw an epic top of the table clash between the Miramafia and Wilson United, this week in the Big Travel League we can look forward to a not-so-epic bottom of the table clash between the Oranje (without Kate Winslet's breasts) and Pope's Own Marist (oh the humanity!).

Think of it as the lower North Island's version of West Brom vs Newcastle United.

The footballing gods have not been kind to either team with only 3 draws to show between them. And with the worst and second worst defensive records in the league, it seems the backlines of both teams regularly part like the red sea.

The Oranje welcome back Trent Watson into the starting XI and will be praying he will be their saviour, protecting against the defensive frailties that again leaked a late goal against Rovers last week.

The winner will be odds on favourite to stay afloat in the Big Travel League, while the loser will be crucified on the Total Advert Show.

We're picking: The Oranje will resurrect their season by walking away with all three points and pockets full of dosh from their first win of the campaign. Pope's Own however, will leave Newtown with only a bad bout of food poisoning courtesy of RightStr's supper.

The Lonely Rangers vs The Lowly Rovers (Central League)

Miramar Rangers return home to Farrington Field this Saturday to host their long time Hawkes Bay rivals Napier City Rovers. These two power-houses of NZ football have a long history of classic battles in National League and Chatham Cup fixtures and fan(s) at Farrington Field will be hoping for another classic on Saturday.

In the league this year Napier are struggling early at mid-table while Rangers are equal top on points (but minging on goal difference). Rovers though are coming off the back of what must have been a morale-boosting late win against struggling Wellington United - only their second victory of the season. Rangers on the other hand dropped a frustrating two points at Endeavour Park against Wests.

That failure to hang on to a lead precipitated a nightmare week at the Mar. Training on Tuesday was cancelled and the Board of the club called a meeting to inform players of the resignation of coach Graham Little.

One Miramar fan, who asked not to be named, had this to say about Little's departure: "Apparently he was no longer able to find time to run his 48 minute long trainings twice a week or attend a football match for a couple of hours on the weekend, so he's f*cked off."

Little has walked out on the club only four weeks into the winter, leaving vacant a coaching job at one of the city's top clubs. His replacement is still unconfirmed as rumours fly around (some absolutely ludicrous ones Parky has heard). What we can confirm is that we will not see the return of Barry Truman, so rule him out.

The onus will be on the players to prove that they are a team that can win the league regardless of who's at the post. Napier could be up against a caged lion ready to explode out of its Scottish cage, or a lost little boy missing his daddy. Certainly the Mar will miss Little's impact off the bench, if not his impact from it. Both teams are scoring plenty of goals though. Miramar's Dom Rowe still leads the golden boot race at 7. Rovers have Abba and Stu Wilson to drive their attack. Parky cannot predict who will be in goal for Mafia as they still have not sorted it out at the back but this match could well be like a spit roast, goals at both ends.

We're picking: 3-2 to the Mar in a spicy encounter. G Little to get sent off in his last game of the year.

Lower Hutt City vs Tawa (Capital 3)

This season's Tawa Cap 3 side have made a solid start winning 4 from 4 to sit atop the table. Although a couple of the wins might be termed by some as "scratchy", they all count with neither history nor the record books caring about the manner of the victories.

Tawa have found an effective blend of (relative) youth and experience (or decrepitude as some might call it) epitomised by the evergreen Chris "Supertanker" Stares, whose inclusion has lifted the average age of the squad to 57, being pressed back into service further up the divisions (much like those old Wellington trains) from the more sedate pace of Masters 3.

Lower Hutt City have struggled to get going so far this season with one win and three defeats. However, they certainly won't make life easy for the table-toppers especially on their own patch. Expect a close game.

In other scintillating Capital 3 action this week the Karori Cougars, unsurprisingly underneath everyone at the bottom of the table, have a tough away trip to Wakefield 2 to play equally woeful Brooklyn. In the longest trip in the region Wairarapa United's reserve team will have to weigh up the merits of the Manawatu Gorge versus the Rimutaka Hill as they decide how best to get to Waikanae's Jim Cooke Park. And in the Battle of the Beaches Island Bay from the South Coast visit KCU on the Kapiti Coast in a clash at Weka Park that will decide once and for all whose really is the Coast with the Most.

We're Picking: Tawa to just edge their game 2-1 and streak 6 points clear at the top (when Upper Butt lose) after going down to 10 men on about 70 minutes. Stares to get the red mist and the red card. And in the other games: Cougars to get pussy-whipped by BNU, Wairarapa's ressies to trump Waikanae's retirees, and Island Bay dominates Kapiti any day of the week.

Island Bay HHH (Alliterative Pick Up Lines) United v Petone (It's still the Hutt) (Capital 4)

The match of the Cap 4 round sees two footballing heavyweights go toe-to-toe on Wakefield number one (a ground so well groomed that it's quite frankly wasted in Wellington - rumours of transporting it for use in the Premier League abound). Both teams have seen a slow start to the season, with HHH boasting the superior goal ratio (-4 to Petone's -8).

HHH expected to be bolstered this season with some squad consolidation, but continues to suffer from a serious case of soft-office-boy flu. The team are still carrying the bruises from the beating dished out last week by the lads from Parkway College.

The Petone boys suffered a fall from grace last season, dropping from the heady heights of Capital 3. Whispers of team-stacking to return the team to former glory appear to be either unfounded, or poorly executed (the stacking, rather than the whispers).

Results so far leave both teams desperate for a win (or rain). Look to see a cracker in little Italy. Office boys who aren't so young anymore chase college boys around the pitch... enjoy a Peroni on the embankment and watch the champagne football flow.

We're picking: 3-1 HHH - At least one fake header guaranteed.

The Dutch Republic of Tawa vs Dirty Little Stop Out (Champs Premier League)

Match of the Champs Premier League round is top of the table clash featuring Tawa - the team with more brothers than a Dr Dre concert, and Stop Out - coached by mastermind bald headed Besim Balicevac.

The captain for Tawa may be missing for this game, as senior Romijn wasn't at training on Tuesday and still may be out with a chocolate hamstring. Luckily though the man they call "The Wall", Lance Remaerkes, will be back in goal for the game after missing the cup versus Villa.

This will be a tight affair and one must feel that it will come down to which old man for both teams will come on top, Besim or Withers. Can Stop Out find a way through the defence of Tawa that hasn't let through a goal in open play for 360 minutes in league games?

We're picking: nil all at half time and Withers to find the winner (again) with his slap head (just like Besim's). 1-0 Tawa.

K-Town Derby - Just Like Being In Milan. Or is that Venice? (Capital 12)

It's that time of year again. There is tension in the air and everyone is on edge. Abuse is hurled across the street as supporters of the "Tonners" and the "Meke" face off once again. As we look back to the great rivalries of our time, the bloods and the Cripps (not Kieran), Ali and Fraser, the Jets and the Sharks (younger generation google "West Side Story"), all pale into insignificance when compared to the rivalry that is "The Tonners vs The Meke".

For those that have been living on planet Reebok for the last few years, these games are the two most important games in world football this year, in a Milan derby format of the Meke vs Tonners and Tonners vs Meke at the home of football Karori Park 1.

The One Tonners represent everything basic about football and being a lad in general, on any given Saturday you can expect at least half the team to turn up with a roaring hangover from a big night at the team training venue of the Four Kings, wearing whatever they had on the night before and at least as many will be chomping on a pie and throwing down a Red Bull to try and feel human before kick-off. The Tonners rely on some old fashioned grit on the football field and you can expect to cop a fair bit of abuse as well as having a boot left in, a shoulder dropped and an elbow thrown in for good measure.

The Meke, well what can you say about the Meke. The Meke are the new age of footballer, they will turn up in matching cardigans sipping a soy trim latte with a copy of GQ under their arm, hair gel and make up will be the order of the day and the Meke will be feeling fresh as they went home early from their wine tasting the night before. The Meke are big fans of diving and simulation in general, they like having a bleat to the ref and are well known for diving in front of an open goal in an attempt to get a penalty and get the opposition player sent off.

This year the scene has been set early with the Tonners and the Meke sitting 1st and 2nd in the dizzying heights of Capital 12, the result will have a critical impact in deciding who will become the champions of Capital 12 and earn the all important bragging rights to go with it.

The Special One Jose Mourinho commented on the match on Special One TV during the week saying: "If you only watch one match this year, watch the Tonners vs the Meke, it will have everything except the Special One himself. To the Tonners and the Meke, Be Champions!"

We're picking: Entertainment central. Saturday 2nd May, Karori Park No. 1 Ground at 12:30, Karori One Tonners vs Karori Meke, you'd be a fool to miss it.

Pink Panther's Return to Bell - Lower Hutt vs Olympic (Central League)

This week's match of the round sees one of Parky's favourites, Nick "The Pink" van Hattum return to last year's stomping ground to take on Lower Hutt. Now it's true that almost every away game for van Hattum is a return to a previous stomping ground but this game also happens to coincide with The Pink's birthday so promises to be more than just a reunion between Brendan McIntyre and every club's keeper of last resort.

Parky has word that the Bubbles camp is throbbing like Greenie on the Electric Ave dance floor after their first win of the season. They have been berated by many Fever Forum contributors over the last few weeks but they are unbeaten and going pretty well in the Big Travel League so far.

Hutt will welcome back James McPeake in goal and Massive Pete Howe at centre back and will be eagerly awaiting the international clearance of Alex "no not from Chelsea but I do have the same name, play centre back and come from brazil" to stiffen up their defence. Hutt will also be hopeful of another MoM performance from Sam "I can't believe Brendan is making us all wear black boots" Blackburn and also that Luis Coralles stays onside long enough to show everyone a bit of the magic that has earned him a trial next week at the Phoenix.

We're picking: this to be exciting, scrappy and even a bit dirty (I know, you're all shocked). Bubbles might sneak it if they don't have a man or two or three sent off. 3-1 one way or the other.

Wharfies' Sunday Roast (Champs Capital Premier)

You could throw a blanket over the top of the Champs Premier League at the moment - something that might leave Calcott's kids reaching for their hotties, as they sit ninth on the table.

Wharfies take on Western Suburbs at Endeavour Park, in a game in which three points is important for both teams. Jimmy Hill will be looking to reclaim the goal scoring ability that has deserted him recently, much like Fever's web guy Adam Brown.

We're picking: Wests will have their first team playing over the hill - so without the ability to stack their team, Parky is picking Karori 2-0 winners.

KCU vs. Miramafia Reserves (Champs Premier)

When Governor Allan Bollard got up this morning and trudged his way to work on a typically inclement April morning in the Capital, I'm sure he thought the only excitement he'd get today would be the fleeting burst of adrenaline when he announced the 0.5% drop in the Official Cash Rate. He'd spend the morning practicing his grave, earnest and slightly weary looks in front of the mirror, and rehearse his speech with his long-suffering PA, Jan. At 11 he'd make the brief jaunt down to the press room at 2 The Terrace, shower the media in a fountain of figures, then return to his desk with a sandwich and wait for 5:00PM to roll around. His day did not work out as planned.

Just after sitting down to tuck in to his lunch, Jan announced a call from the economists downstairs, preceding it with "Allan , you'll want to take this". The analyst, Glen, told him about an unexplained spike in economic activity in the Kapiti area. Here at Parklife, we're all over it Greco-Roman style. The "spike" was caused by Te Rauparaha's Own KCU, who have spent the best part of the week swapping land for muskets in preparation for a mid-table battle versus the Miramafia Reserves. Both teams have had a pretty ordinary start to the season recording only a win each over lowly Wests Reserves plus one other.

With both sides still finding their rhythm it's hard to pick a winner but Parklife will have to agree with one of our top football analysts who reckons that a Miramafia midfield built around David Batty will have too much class for the KCU lads.

We're picking: Miramafia edging it 2-1, and the ref wearing concrete galoshes off the Kapiti Coast for giving Miramar an unfair yellow card.

Parky's Crystal Ball

We'd like to take a moment to point out our phenomenal accuracy so far. Be impressed.

Thank you.

Now, this week:

Wellington United 1 Palm Nth Marist 2
Miramar Rangers 2 Napier City Rovers 2
Wairarapa United 1 Western Suburbs 3
Taranaki 2 Petone 3
Lower Hutt City 1 Olympic 1 (note: could be 1-6 or 6-1 depending on who goes bananas first. Or if nobody does, defo a draw)

Until next week then!

Park Life


Don't forget to pick up a Parky at a Park near you.

Jesus, Park Life just keeps getting bigger and bigger.

note that the predictions differ from the ones in the write ups? is this to cover all bets?

also not happy at every clubs keeper of last resort!wests would never stoop that low!radioman2009-05-01 11:33:04

ps love where parky is heading!cant wait to see the print!

I'm actually starting this week Parky - havent been injured for a fair while now......your correspondent is rather mis-informed.....on many fronts ;)

lets see how parky did this week?
wellington united 3        palm nrth 3      wrong
the mar                  3        rangers     2      wrong
fiji                           1        wilson       1      wrong
naki                        1        petone      1      wrong
hut                          3        bubbles     3      wrong score but right reslut

parky however was very close with only 1 goal out, better luck next week, frankie mac will take some confidence out of that

Ummm...

Dammit Miguel could have equalised right on the "buzzer" as well.

Fair play Naenae - best after match speeches ever.