Mindreading: Nix vs Tards (humour intended)

Mindreading: Nix vs Tards (humour intended)

Channelling energy from Todd Trubey, a gifted American who could do mindreadings on NBA players in the NBA basketball league, I have asked him to school me on tapping into the players minds. Tonight through the beauty of my TV, I managed to get inside the minds of a few players and thought I'd write down their thoughts for you all. It does get hazy at points during the game so please bear with me. (please note that this skill of reading A-league players minds is patented)

Pregame:

Theoklitos: "Whats Eddie on about warming up.... Does he not know who we're playing.... Coveny didn't bring his walking frame either. Whos that old man kidding? I wonder if Archie bought enough Brylcreem for me tonight....."

Muscat: "Ball...kick....good�leg...kick...yellow card but good too"

Moss: "What the f**k is this crimson sh*t??? I'm tired of telling Ricki that the blue brings my eye colour out, I mean jesus I'm trying to look good here with Archie on show and I can't even wear blue. I wonder if Smeltzy bought his brylcreem....?"

Old: (humming) "We've got the best keeper, in the league, we've got the best keeper, in the.... waddaya mean O'dor starting??"

Smeltz: (there was a lot of cross accents with Smeltzy as I was soon to find out) "Built for speed girls not for comfort, yeah check out this weeks design. Slicker than a wombat up a drain pipe, geezer. I think I�ll do the mullay next week, give them the french mullet, geezer"

Felipe: "Cor blimey gov'nor I wish I'd shaved today.... opps I mean Deseo me afeitado"

(At this point the game had started and with 22 players on the pitch, I had to focus quite a bit on what was being thought. Some players came through easier than others, like Elrich. I put that down to less mental intensity than the rest of the players)

Elrich: "Its me they've been coming to see. Didn't you know, I'm Steve McManaman's soul brother. I�m the best thing to come out of Fulham. To the line and cross, to the line and cross....I�m the best crosser in this team"

Coveny: "Jesus I wish Shano had cut his hair...what the f**k was he thinking.�

Thompson: (Archie was weird because he was singing the whole bloody game so he kind broke off mid song when he was thinking) �Tie me kanga�. Lets just step inside �back-dor��aroo down sport, tie me kangaroo�why can�t I run at that other old fulla on the far side�.down�

Coveny: �It'd be nice if Ahmad crossed the ball to me. Be nice to knock that silly grin of Theo-clitoris�s mug. There he is smiling at me again that pussy eater��

Caceres: �There�s Kaz smiling at me again.. What is it with that boy? Has anyone told him I�m fine with non-heterosexual names? Oh jesus now Ernie is smiling too and he is looking my way. I hope he lets me play the full game. Please? I just want to run and play and have fun in the fields with the ball with the butterflies��

Patafta: �If I stare at Adrian long enough, he�ll sub himself off��

Moss: �Jump up and down� flap the arms� look angry� say a few loud words, hell it can be Swahili for all I care, Felipe will understand me.  Hi Mark, wish you were here? Grrr What is Jezza doing�

Felipe: �Oh jesus Mossy has that crazed look in his eyes again. Does he think I understand him�.opps I mean Oh jesus Mossy que ha enloquecido en su mirada de ojos de Nuevo

Christie: ��#$%^ you, your #$%^&*=   #$%. I�m #$%^&*= better than that #$%^�

The 1st goal came about this point.

Moss: �Jesus he hit that��

Brown �Jesus he hit that��

Elrich: �When I was at Fulham, I used to score like that every day, and on the park too. Ha ha ha ha I�m the funniest man in this team.�

Hernandez: �Feliz Navidad�Feliz Navidad���

The 2nd goal came about this point

Elrich: �Class goal boys, however if I was between the sticks� Back when I was at Fulham�.�

Herbert: �Elvis has left the building. f**k it, I wonder if Wayne still had his rusty old Superman outfit out back. Don�t worry boys, we�re not last�

Broxham: "No Rooney looks like me. Me I tell ya ME!!"

****2nd half****

Felipe: �Why doesn�t the gaffa play me and me offsider together, we�d create havoc my son�opps I mean �Por qu� no la gaffa jugar conmigo y me offsider juntos?�

Daniel: ��Por qu� no la gaffa jugar conmigo y me offsider juntos?.... opps I mean Why doesn�t the gaffa play me and me offsider together, we�d create havoc my son�

Rees: �Titanic?!? Titanic!! Hey Roddy the solar panel is actually for a lean mean header goal scoring machine, you pony-tailed prick.�

Elrich: �When I was at Fulham, we didn�t need Brylcreem. I wish Mossy would throw the ball to me. That kiwi poof uses too much Brylcreem. I�m the best looking in this team�

Smeltz: �Vat do zou tink you are doing, geezer. Kross ze ball to de 18 yard box Ahmad-geezer�

O�dor: �I could be playing with Archie. Isn�t ironic. He�s a New Zealander playing for an Australian team and also representing Australia. I�m an Australian, playing for a New Zealand team and also representing Australia. I could be playing with Archie. Oi wheres he gone�.�

Broxham: "No Rooney plays like me. Me I tell ya ME!!"

Elrich: �Yeah just doing my thing, out here on the wing. I was the best rhymer at Fulham too�.Sub?????�

(Elrich gets Subbed off for Daniel at this point)

Elrich: �When I was at Fulham, I was never subbed. At Fulham, our coach recognised I was the best in the team. I�ll give these buggers an evil look. Let them know that as the star player, I�m intense till the end, they�ll get that cause at Fulham, we�..�

Draper: "Jesus Ahmad is looking at me all intense today. Act natural. Give him a wave let him know you�ve seen him"

Paston: "Stay positive. Tell him something like, "Hard Luck Ahmad, maybe next week" even if you are f**king shyte"

Christie: "#$%^&*=  #$%. Whats he $%^&*= gobbing off for that #$%^&*= #$%^. Try #$%^&*= sitting on the #$%^&*= bench you #$%^&*=   #$%^"

Felipe: �Yay my buddy is here �.opps I mean Yay mi amigo est� aqu�

Daniel: �No se preocupe poco amigo, estoy aqu�opps I mean don't worry little buddy, I'm here�

Patafta: �If I stare at Adrian long enough, he�ll sub himself off��

Elrich: �f**king coach. What do you mean you need to make a change. When I was at Fulham, I sold more shirts than anyone cause I was the star player I never got subbed off and I bet I�ll sell more than you this year too Ricki, so there. (turning around) oh sh*t those yellow fever buggars are here�..�

Coveny: �Cross the ball Ahmad� oh sh*t, he�s gone�. Oh wait, the ball is actually getting crossed�into the penalty box too. Am I seeing things? Will I actually get a chance to knock that cheesy grin off that pussy eaters face?�

Draper: �Ricki�s looking at me�. Act natural. Give him a wave let him know you�ve seen him. Its nice and warm in these tracksuits. I like this reebok stuff, far more comfier than the school uniform. 2-0. That�s 1+1 = 3. Oh sh*t he�s coming this way. Must be for Jezza� yeah that�s it. Act natural�.. Warm up???? Um anyone have a spare pair of undies????�

Thompson: �Hey now hey now don�t dream � This is too easy, just TOO easy� its over, hey now� I�ll slot another and it�ll be 3�. Hey now�..�

Patafta: �Its worked!! Adrians coming off. I�ll give him a sympathy hug. He�ll like that�.�

Peter Green: �Gotta find a reason to card Muscat. I don�t wear this Robo-cop sh*t for nothing.�

Muscat: "Ball...kick....good�leg...kick...yellow card but good too"

Ferrante: �Stand back Melbourne, I�m back. I�ve got a 35 yard screamer up this sleeve and a little 40 yard something something up this sleeve. You know I�m back�

Lia: �Fred? FRED!! Don�t they remember all the graft I put in over the years, the blue and grey tears I cried every night????�. At least they don�t remember mickey, that�s comforting.���

Thompson: �Hey I gotta lotta faith in ya I�ll�.. sweet number 3 here it comes, oh sh*t how did he catch me�. stick with you, kid that�s the bottom line�.�

Patafta: �YES�. Archie�s f**ked up and I�m the star of the show. Adrian will like that�

Caceres: �That�s should have been me. Why does that boy torment my soul? Why can�t I be left to think of yonder days out in the school yards chasing the guys in touch rugby�..�

Thompson: �When boys light up, when boys�. Yeah they know I stepped over and made him look good� light up, when boys light up �. Hey, whats 1 more goal to me, I�m the king of this castle�..When boys light���

Merrick: "Yernuthinbitabampotye"

Peter Green: f**king dirty little c**t. I�ll get him next week.�

Elrich: �Remember you�ve got to slide up to Archie make sure he gets a photo with you�we were both stars of the show today�. Those bloody kiwis, I'm the most photogenic in the team�When we played for Australia�.�

Agent 472008-01-12 13:18:28

Comedy Gold!!!!!!! Laughed so hard the office thinks I've flipped out. This is a must read, top work!

nice one agent 47

LOL! Great work.

well done, lifted my spirits reading this. I hope Ricky reads it too

No worries boys. If I was onto it, I would have started earlier in the season. I'll try tune in again next week, but I might need to go to a quite spot. Trying to pick up the 2 Aloisi's and not get them confused could be interesting...

 Genuine LOLage-ness.

Classic- too much time on your hands eh?

I luvs it

O for Awesome! But of course you knew I was gonna say that... C-Diddy2008-01-12 14:16:35

Brilliant stuff, I'll look forward to next weeks mind reading

Mate that is funny. Nice work- far too much time on your hands though champ!

Quality   Nice work Agent 47. 

Elrich bits are the best

K for quality.

You got Elrich spot on.

Why does he looks so intense and angry all the time?

Nice work, that's nearly as funny as mine

http://www.yellowfever.co.nz/forum/forum_posts.asp?TID=4188&KW=

http://www.yellowfever.co.nz/forum/forum_posts.asp?TID=2407&KW=

Bevan2008-01-13 01:35:47

Did you have a hard time patting yourself on the back while you were typing that post?
You should have just written "look at me"
Agent 472008-01-13 12:15:48

Top work Agent 47, brilliant review.

No, this is funnier.

No sweat fellas, just directing the attention of those who might have missed it.

But I guess it could come across as stealing your thunder, if you were the kind of person who worried about that ...

(... must include bigger wink smiley next time ...)

Oh I'm not the kinda fella that worries about having my thunder stolen, just not the kinda fella that would steal someone elses in the first place...